12/31/05 I survived Disneyland the week after Xmas!

I can't believe that the year has gone by already. And so much Drama...I feel like I should get an award or something. Will have to put that on my list of ideas....

I survived the trip to Disneyland with the family! The plane ride was really bumpy leaving Reno and not so bad coming back. 4 days without internet....and still survived. Good thing that I had my cell though...we got separated from 1/2 of the group on days 2 and most of 3 at the park. Through cell contact we were able to check in with each other frequently. We went to the California Adventure also. I highly recommend "Soarin' over California", "Flik's 3D adventure", and "California Screamin'". Great rollercoaster that last one. We rode it several times. At night is the best. The Matterhorn is still the same and we never quite made it to Space Mountain. But Mr. Toad's and Pirates of the Carribbean were guaranteed stops as were Indiana Jones and The Haunted Mansion.
My hair did really curly things there. I was able to get it straight the first day and after that, refused to fight with it and waste time. It was so humid! I didn't get a hat but got the glowstick ears. They were way more versatile I think! Brianna and I got some Bling rings at one of the Princess stores from Auntie. Food was incredibly expensive there! I don't think that I have paid $8.99 for a salad ever! It was a good salad but not quite worth $9! I did end up eating some carbs and a few Powerbars. Tried not to go overboard too much or too often. The good thing is that I didn't gain but nor did I lose any weight. I walked over 10,000 steps daily which was one of my goals that was met. I spent way too much money but didn't use the ATM card which was another goal accomplished. I even came home with $25! Though that will go into the bank and help cover rent that is due in a few days. Oh and I did finish a scarf for Brianna through standing and knitting in the many lines that we were in for rides!
All in all it was a good trip but not one that anyone should ever make the week after Christmas!
Photos coming as soon as I can get them developed (and pay for them! Ü)

12/18/05 Editor in Chief

I talked to Prince Charming, the friend, for about 6 or 7 hours today. Very therapeutic! He makes me think. He makes me feel when I am trying to repress with every fiber of my being! He teaches me much and will tutor me even more. I just need to remain relatively unattached. Yea right. But will try nonetheless! Wants and needs/Expectations and Assumptions all getting mixed up and in disarray. I want what I think I need and the whole thing is a big mess. Just keep up the therapy please cuz it helps so much! I promise that I am learning, I just don't always remember to apply it to my fractured foundation. Luv Ya! Mean it!
Besides chatting on the phone, I did get some things done...I got 2 scarves finished and a third half way done. The fourth and fifth need to get finished by Thursday so that I can collect!
I can't believe Xmas is this weekend! Again, it is not that I don't believe in Christmas, I just don't like the whole month! Lots of bad has happened in December in years past. As Mr. Charming says, time to make new memories to take place of the others. Same for some of the songs that I like but have bad memories associated with. Will have to make a new "soundtrack" for life I guess.
Off to knit some more. No work tomorrow. Forrest Gump on VHS and lots of knitting. If the sky clears and there is no rain, I may venture to the Marina for 2 miles in real time on the path. Wish that I had a dog to borrow to walk!

12/17/05 Feeling Better

1230ish and still in my PJs. Trying to get help with Dish remote cuz it won't work! Frustrating to go up to TV to change channels! How lazy is that?
Watching "As told by Ginger" on the Disney channel with Brianna. Will get to knitting in just a few minutes. So much to do and so little time. I am glad that I got my New Year's resolutions out last month or so. There is a little pressure off the whole December 31st deal. Whew!
Have had 3, okay working on the third cup of coffee, and had brunch and one load of laundry is done and one to go in the dryer and one more for the washer. At some point I should probably shower and wash the mane. Other job's Xmas party is tonight at Viaggio's. Really great Italian food and no chance of anyone getting drunk and disorderly (or showing body parts!). Nice change of pace.
Still no snow on the ground. Has been 30's to 40. I see snow in the mountains but gladly none on the valley floor. Makes for lots of pottymouth on the drive to work and home again. Plus if there is a school closure (last year we had a week worth), other hassles.
Off to knit. So many scarves so little time.

12/16/05 #1

Just once it would be nice to be number one to someone. Just once it would be wonderful to be thought of as much as I think of them (and for them to admit it). Just once may never be enough. Just once may never happen. What if it doesn't happen? What can take the place of that feeling like you are the world to someone. Is it something I can cultivate myself? Is there any way I can work on it? Don't tell me it is related to being okay with myself. Isn't everything related to that? I get jealous easy even when there is no cause to be. I get attached easily even when there is not much to attach myself to. Can it be that is just how I am or do I have to face yet another "defect" in the fortress that should be Jennifer?

12/16/05 I survived another ER Xmas Party!

Ok, so I left before midnight. I stood at the door for an hour and a half taking tickets being the nice person that I am. I observed the "Litte Waldorf" patrons and the ER staff. Not even midnight and 2 female nurses are kissing each other. There was one guy from Transport who I thought different of. Now that he flashed me,(he was wearing a kilt in a very Irish way),I think way differently! Another guy asked me to prove that I was Irish(by nipple size)! Needless to say, being sober as I was, I shrugged that one off quick! What do you think I am, an ER Nurse? No, I get paid way less and have way more morals! I don't think that it was solely the "control" issue. I just really didn't want to be there. Socializing at the door as they came in was enough for me. I am done. I don't think that I will attend next year seeing as the last 2 were pretty much identical with exception of the "under kilt" view. Not that I looked very long either! What kind of Barbie do you think I am? Soccer Mom Barbie was out tonight, not Trailer Trash Barbie!

I am still shocked that someone would do that! I mean, I guess it would have been another story had I been a barfly and drunk, but.....I can't believe that I associate with these people. I am really beginning to rethink the whole business.
It was fun to hang out at the door with the security guys. Everyone kept giving me their ID's instead of them. I was only there to take tickets. And I got to watch a little of the Houston/Seattle basketball game. I like basketball! I wish that one day I can see a professional game. Since Shaq isn't with the Lakers anymore, I may be inclined to see a Golden State Warriors game!
This Barbie is quickly turning into a Pumpkin. I already lost the boots. Need to get the contacts out and the rest into the clothes hamper and wash my face and hit the rack! Tomorrow is another day of staying home for the most part except for going to Walmart for one more skein of Brown Fun Fur yarn to finish a scarf for Ana. Too easy money! And maybe I will get a few groceries. Evaporated milk in the coffee tomorrow too! How many times can you eat popcorn for dinner? And cheese for Breakfast? Hmmmmm
PS. I looked HOT! and may have pictures to add to this blog later.

12/15/05 Foggy...

The brain that is. Amazing that your nose can turn on like a faucet at 0230 and wake you up! Amazing that it took the antihistamine and sudafed 4 hours to work! And you know how your mouth feels in the morning when you have been breathing through it all night? Yea. Fun stuff that even coffee couldn't cover up! No fever still which is good though I am running around in short sleeves inside and it is a mere 24 degrees out.
List:
Eye Doctor appt
Smog Beetle
Register Beetle
Bank
Shots for the teenager
Shower and mane torture
Decide what to wear for ER Xmas party
Find skid plate for 1999 VW Beetle
Sleep
Buy Kleenex!!!
I am sure that more things will make it onto my list but will just have to keep them on hard copy.
Must go take more sudafed and change channel on TV (Barney is a definite NO GO!)
L8R,
Infirmary Barbie

12/13/05 Waiting for the lightbulbs to go off

Didn't blog yesterday. Nothing profound came to me. I don't like to force a thought but would rather have it come to me and expand on the page.
Day 2 wake up with sore throat. Tis the season for the one cold of the year. Slept a whopping 6.5 hours like death, don't think that I moved all night. Didn't dream either that is for sure. Usually don't when full moon coming. Hmmmmm. Still very tired though. Need to go to bed early sometime this week so can "catch up". But so many other interesting things to do, see, read, how can sleep them away?
Lists again. Car registration is due today, need extension....bad grades still coming from the middle school. Really not good. There is something else but it will come to me later I am sure. OH!!!Massage at 1230! That is what it was. I so look forward to those, stress monster that I am. Would love them on a daily basis. Would love to learn to give good massage too. Maybe after RN school/education/attainment whatever, I can get certified as a massage therapist too. (And aesthetician too! good thing I love school!) That would be an excellent addition to my education and long line of certifications. Should splurge on "full body" one but a chair massage will have to do for now! Every little bit helps.
OK, see, tried to force a blog and not much came out of it. The time is now 0500 and I need to hit the shower and torture the mane into straightness. Such fun, and takes time. Maybe another cup of coffee will help too!?!

12/11/05 Revelations

They just keep coming! If my heart breaks, it is my own fault for only I can control my feelings and emotions. It is my job to limit my involvement and reactions to situations. Right? Well this is my blog so it is right. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent", well put by Eleanor Roosevelt. Nobody can make you feel anything except maybe physical pain. The mind is a wonderful thing. Especially for those who can will themselves not to feel. Not on a permanent basis mind you, but on a come as you go basis, PRN, as needed.
So, my heart gets fractured because I let it. I get attached emotionally because I let myself. I allow me to go overboard into the Dramatic zone. How can I get restraint back? How can I learn to live in the moment and take things for what they are and not what I think I want them to be? Hmmmmm. Pretty strong feeling for Barbie. What is, is.
So, the hip joints have ached for a few days as result of the overzealous Barbie training session on the treadmill. Have been paying for it with pain. That too will pass. If I let it get to me and bring me down, then it will, my fault if it does. Will try to begin habit of 0430 treadmill tomorrow. I know I know y'all are tired of hearing it...."show me the killer quads and skinny ass!". Still working on those. Mind over matter. So if I can get to bed now, I will not have to fight myself to get up at 0430 and hit the 'mill. "Just Do It". I think that I need that in tatoo form or painted on my walls or I could endorse Nike with my car! I love their shoes anyway.
I have shared enough wisdom today. I have to catch the sandman and prepare for 3 days of 12's.
Over and out!

12/10/05 Rain on my Parade

Yesterday I was told by my mother "you're the one fucking her up" in reference to Brianna. Well she should talk right? I mean I wouldn't need therapy or blogspace or whatever had she just given me the therapy that I ASKED FOR in the first place. So much drama in my life would not have existed. She is mad because I don't like Christmas and told her so and told her that I make it known every year that I don't like the whole month of December and yet they keep trying to make me celebrate it. She says "yea I know, and every year you bring us down". Well......California is looking mighty good right now ya know? Yea

Today was a cold day. It started out gray at about 0930 when we got to the high school for dress rehearsal. Then all day I was at the theater/cafeteria waiting for Brianna to perform at 4 shows. I got to see the first show and it was great! It was called "The Snowman" and based on the book. It was really well done. All the kids were so cute. The costumes were beautiful! It was a super performance.
I survived about 75 screaming ballerinas and other dancers.
All day I knit on the wrap that Debra has commissioned me to make for her. I am on the 7th and 8th skein of red fun fur. It looks like this may be the end of it. I am not sure what to charge for it. Typically I charge $20 for 2 skeins used. This project will use at least 8 skeins for a total of $80. It costs $32 in materials and the time I just guess at because it is like meditating for me and very relaxing. I think that I will charge either $100 or $120. Depends on if I have to add 2 more skeins to make it even longer too. Hmmmm. What do you think? $120 sounds really good for time and effort and is quite a tidy profit!
Off to pop corn, and get a drink, and watch a movie with Brianna. Tomorrow is a crafty day. More to follow then....

12/7/05 Lists....

There are so many lists to make anymore. My life is a list of to do items! I may move to California in the near future. That requires research and a list. I will be getting my CNA license first and that also requires a list. Then I will be attempting nursing school and more lists.
The cool thing about lists is that when you are done with a task, you can cross it off. Then hopefully your list gets smaller as the day goes by.

1. Pay for fingerprint/background check
2. Pay for testing
3. Take testing for license
4. Get job with new license
5. Check out job market in California
6. Check out living arrangements in California
7. Re evaluate move
8. Get online RN degree
9. Get another job at maybe another hospital
10.Get smart or rather wise about life to prevent further turmoil
11. Breathe breathe and breathe some more.
12. And EXERCISE BARBIE!

Exercise important cuz this Barbie has a date next year. Sort of pitiful that I would get my hopes up now when it isn't for another 11 months but I am excited. Who knows what challenges lie ahead, and what miraculous things will occur but I am going to try to just enjoy the ride.

Off to knit some extra money for Xmas trip to Disneyland. Further explanation later.
Always,
Survivor Barbie

12/06/05 Something that I read today...

"Life is your greatest teacher if you are willing to learn...Not all lessons are uncomfortable or so veiled, but usually the big ones are. How we work through the problem determines whether we are afforded the opportunity to dance that tune again or if we have learned the complete symphony and now can move on to something new." ~Silver RavenWolf

Sort of along the same lines as "those who do not observe the past are doomed to repeat it" or something to that effect.....

In my life there has been much repetition. I can too easily blame myself... If I had learned the first time, If I had been more observant, If I had paid attention, If I had listened to my heart, and so many other if's...One it seems has to take a proactive stance towards their life. If you just go along and don't make an effort, you will repeat certain scenarios over and over again. Life is not necessarily hard, but it is definitely hard work!
From the time that you are born, you have to work. You have to learn so much and then reprocess it and use it a different way. Life is ever changing and humans have to adapt. There is little choice in the matter. Why am I just learning this now. I have always envied the "go with the flow" types. I feel the need to plan. To know "if this, then that" for everything. Why do I need this CONTROL so badly?
How can I learn to "let go"?
I have brainstormed a bit today about what if I moved....Where would I go? What kind of job would I get? Would I make a nice wage? Would it be enough to live comfortably with my daughter in a safe neighborhood that would help her grow into the remarkable woman that she is on the verge of becoming? Would I be happy there? Could we do what we are used to doing here? What about my support network? Will I be close enough to them?
See how I use the what if's?
I received several phone calls, texts, and email even, all from someone special. He is not a real knight but might as well be one. He does have a sword! Through his friendship I am learning to identify my dragons and let them go. He always says not to suppress a feeling. Let it be what it is and ride it out, feel it until it is over. I try to control it and my control is weak. I cry at work. I feel too much. I am afraid "to let go"! What if I can't come back from the emotion? What if it takes over. What happens to Jennifer then? Will she ever be what she wants to be? Simply happy and content with her life?
There is a line for the internet use at our house. I guess that I will let the void absorb and digest and then offer up suggestions on "Jenn Improvement". I am always receptive of a good trick or tip or shortcut if it is a good one.

12/5/05 "Bueller....Bueller....Bueller...."

I feel sort of like that moment in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off". Sort of there but not, willing my brain to work but not quite succeeding yet.
I have neglected the treadmill for 2 days in exchange for sleep. I hate the change of time right now! Yesterday I came home to change clothes to go to Harry Potter and it seems that the sun went down as I walked into the house. I need more light. Well...that may be true but I should have phrased it as "I WANT more light". I am on day 5 of 8 and that is part of it. Working too much which I know is bad for Jennifer but need the money so.....catch 22 as usual.
Resolve in my journaling last night. I need to be true to myself. Going back to March of this year, I miss Dr. Tom. I feel like I am supressing again and not being honest with myself. My current feelings are getting "stuffed" because the past ones still aren't resolved. Will they ever be? If I could do magic, I would wave the magic wand and "heal" all of that instantly so that I could come back into the present. What is my "emotional truth" today? Well I feel a little anxious and a little numb. I am still not in working mode and need to get more coffee since getting more sleep is out of the question right now. I am sad that yet again I have to start over and build and tear down again. I also have hope though that today is a different day and that things can get better, that I can get better! 3 Wishes for today right now?...to be happy with myself, to heal, to use my potential.
No treadmill today. Will have to try tonight. Keep the bunny dream in sight.
Off to torture mane into straightness. Off to day 5 of 8 (though good that they aren't all 12 hour shifts!).
The good, the bad and the Barbie!

12/03/05 Honesty

Honesty is the best policy!
I am sorry tonight that I hurt a friend. Deceit Barbie omitted the truth and the consequences hurt many. Just tell the truth, don't be a coward, be honest. That is a better way to be. I am sorry!

Also, I worked with someone whom I thought I would never be friends with. I didn't even give a chance to like her but talking with her tonight, we have many similarities and I am having a plethora of good ideas for her: how to get school funded, how to protect her home, ways to help her depression and not revert to her addiction.....It was nice to feel like I was helping someone. We connected. Though she has an addiction, I guess that my co-dependency is an addiction too come to think of it. We both love to read. She is interested in becoming a librarian. She is intimidated by matriculating to UNR (as was I), she is crafty with cross stitch (I knit among other crafty things), she is a single mom of a young single mom of twins. I am glad that my experiences can help someone even if I don't always use them to help myself.

The "Bunny Barbie" dream is back. I can see the ears, bodysuit,and tail now. Just have to get the pumps and fishnets, and actual body to go with all of it! I was on the treadmill today for 40 minutes. I plan on doing it again tomorrow. It was easy once I got started. And I still feel great 12 hours later! Amazing how exercise can affect me. There are lots of incentives to becoming a "hot mama" physically (and mentally). Health of course, increased self esteem, less expensive bras if under a D, cute butt, non flabby abs.....This is an exciting journey. I WILL DO IT!

Photos coming soon. I now have a low tech digital camera to learn how to take photos and post them too. Maybe I will get a great one of the first real snow that sticks (since I have missed autumn)...more to follow, I may even blog my trials and tribulations with the camera and software : )

Late now but the caffeine consumed today is still very in effect! I will have to work out some before bed or I may never fall asleep.

12/2/05 I have a Dream

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." ~Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Sometimes you lose sight of your dream in a moment of panic. Sometimes the smallest thing can set you off and you lose the will to fight anymore. No one says that life is easy and yet they also can't say why some get more "challenges" than others.

Bookworm Barbie is going back to school if it kills her. She needs motivation in spite of Depression and Codependency. She needs to look forward into the future and believe in the dream that can become reality. She will need help with that though and will be calling on "the Few, the Proud", her friends (and maybe a platoon of Marines just to keep in line):).
Sanity Barbie is fighting to get into an exercise program. The bunny dream faded quick and that Barbie is so far back in line I can barely see her bunny ears among the varying shades of blonde in the sea of Barbies.
Well grounded Barbie got new orders for maneuvers on the same battlefield. She is using a few alternate tactics to navigate this course.
It is no longer a want to do thing, life, it is a "have to do". Job pride and work ethic will have to apply here as much as it does in real employment.
Off to post number 1--get ready for work. Always nice to show up clean and fresh, ready to start the day, eager to see what is in the cards.....