4-5-10 Restless
Did I mention that I got onto the Eharmony website? Free communication sounded good so I had to work fast. I met two men who actually wanted to talk. However, most matches were 50+ years old. Ewwwww I am only 40! And the one that I corresponded with from Oregon, "spoke" in a manner that he was a player, self centered, and more about a persons lack of size than their mind and personality.
The second man, I still have hope for but also have given up hope for. He is from Susanville, relatively close to here. On the plus side, he never had kids, works nights, and writes emails with substance, actually answering questions and asking them and "talking", rather than 2 or 3 lines that don't really say anything at all. But he has internet issues or so he says. Well, I have written 8 messages to his 2 and the last was the last stating both sides and several possibilities and an ultimatum of sorts that if he wants to write, I will return, but if not, that is the last of my efforts. I know, I know, I should have more patience and let him chase me. I can't describe though that for many years I feel like I am running out of time and therefore have to "hurry" to complete all that I want to accomplish. I would love to see it as half full. It seems though that I am really and totally incapable. I have a clock ticking in me and it isn't the reproduction kind. The same place as the clock is the fear that I am running out of time and won't be able to do it all.
Oh, the pressure I put on myself! Now, I have hopefully a surrogacy in the fall (Sept/Oct), and want to go back to school, the IRS wants money again and I can't pay my student loans until Sept/Oct, I feel the need to get away from my family which only intensifies daily, I will have to have a second job but worry about my life should I spend every moment working and sleeping (and more importantly my mental health which seems shaky at best right now). I have raging tendonitis in my right wrist both carpal tunnel and on the pinky side. My hands fall asleep when I sleep and sometimes when I am awake. I am sure that surgery is the only way and there will be no money for anything until Sept/Oct and that is only IF the embryo takes! What if it doesn't? Then I am stuck in a rut that takes money to get out of and I haven't the money! It is always the same thing for me. Everything is about my lack of money. How can I get more coming in without giving up all sleep and free time?
The second man, I still have hope for but also have given up hope for. He is from Susanville, relatively close to here. On the plus side, he never had kids, works nights, and writes emails with substance, actually answering questions and asking them and "talking", rather than 2 or 3 lines that don't really say anything at all. But he has internet issues or so he says. Well, I have written 8 messages to his 2 and the last was the last stating both sides and several possibilities and an ultimatum of sorts that if he wants to write, I will return, but if not, that is the last of my efforts. I know, I know, I should have more patience and let him chase me. I can't describe though that for many years I feel like I am running out of time and therefore have to "hurry" to complete all that I want to accomplish. I would love to see it as half full. It seems though that I am really and totally incapable. I have a clock ticking in me and it isn't the reproduction kind. The same place as the clock is the fear that I am running out of time and won't be able to do it all.
Oh, the pressure I put on myself! Now, I have hopefully a surrogacy in the fall (Sept/Oct), and want to go back to school, the IRS wants money again and I can't pay my student loans until Sept/Oct, I feel the need to get away from my family which only intensifies daily, I will have to have a second job but worry about my life should I spend every moment working and sleeping (and more importantly my mental health which seems shaky at best right now). I have raging tendonitis in my right wrist both carpal tunnel and on the pinky side. My hands fall asleep when I sleep and sometimes when I am awake. I am sure that surgery is the only way and there will be no money for anything until Sept/Oct and that is only IF the embryo takes! What if it doesn't? Then I am stuck in a rut that takes money to get out of and I haven't the money! It is always the same thing for me. Everything is about my lack of money. How can I get more coming in without giving up all sleep and free time?
posted by Jennifer at 11:54 PM
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