3-25-05 Always looking for my happy ending Ü

Being happy is hard work. I nearly had to have sutures the first 2 days that I did "rubberband therapy". Since then it is a smidge easier to "be nice". It is easier to not take inventory of other peoples opinions. Anger feels bad and happy feels good. I think that you know which one I will choose. Ü
I am always looking for my happy ending. Now I am also working on it. Why wait when you can make it happen? I will not be an overnight success. But I have a plan and a few alternate plans just in case and it may take a while but I will make my happy ending. I have options now that I refused to see before. I chose to only see the negative. If you remind yourself always of the positive, even if it is the exact same thought every day, then you start to believe it and that is a great step. I will remind myself that I am worthy of all the good things in the world until I truly believe in my potential. I will not give people who hurt me "space in my head", they are not privileged in that way anymore. My priority is me: now, first, and foremost. That is how it should have always been. I took a detour and am back on the right path now. Every once in a while you should take "the long way" just to see what else is out there.

3-15-05 Hello Friend!

Isn't this just the cutest birdie friend that you ever saw? Another great thing about Monterey, friendly locals. Ü
So, I have finally reached another epiphany of sorts. I am ready to try to go about life without inpatient treatment. I had a feeling today that could be described as confidence, power, relief. I was faced the past week or so with a proposition from another patient and I made and wavered and finally stuck to my boundary. That felt great beyond words! I made a decision that in treatment, I will not be afraid to "share" first. I will not feel guilty if I take up more time than others do. I am in treatment to fix me and if I don't do it, I will never get what I really want....love. I have to love myself, no ifs, ands, or buts, before someone else will be attracted to me with an offer of healthy love and relationship. It is hard work and often easier to help others with their problems than work on your own. I will. I can. I am first and foremost. "If the momma ain't happy, no one is happy." I want to be happy, more positive, healthy in mind, body, and spirit. Right now I am working on all 3 just on varying levels. Here's to a long, challenging road ahead, an extreme makeover of sorts, but I am starting with outer beauty and working towards the inner.

Hello Friend! 

Monterey, California February 2004...makes you think doesn't it? 

3-14-05 Do I hafta?

I am really dreading going back to work. But what else would I do? Sleep all day, stamp or knit all night? Though it does appeal, it is not feasible.
So, inpatient therapy is coming to an end. I have 2 more half day sessions and then will go to outpatient. Hopefully it is somewhere safe. I am deathly afraid of the mental hospital and the detox hospital. I just have depression! I don't want to be put in with the alcoholics and drug addicted or worse, the really, really mentally ill.
The weather is getting beautiful again. A bit chilly still but clear and sunny is a definite start. I walked this weekend. Probably would have done another lap if I wasn't alone...maybe next time. I would love to walk every day but working 12 hour shifts, I really have no energy for before or after work. I may try the park at lunch. That may be just what I need. I will have to take the pedometer to find out how far around it is. I am possessed with knowing exactly how far I am going or have gone. A little fear of the unknown perhaps? Ü
Well, here is a photo to think about. Monterey, CA February 2004.......

3-11-05 "Just Do It!"

My tip for beating procrastination in group was this... Do one thing a day that you don't want to do. Do it first. Or even just take a "little bite", then the rest is dessert! One of the other patients heard this advice on Wednesday and used it. She said that she liked how I compared it to getting kids to eat veggies, you tell them to take at least one bite, they don't have to finish it, just take one bite. Once that is done, it's over. Then you still get dessert afterwards.
I can't believe that I have been away from work for a month! It feels great. I just fear that my fragile psyche isn't strong enough to go back next friday. I will be attending therapy next week for 3 partial days. I am glad because Dr. Tom is fabulous! He does group therapy on Monday and Thursday. 2 more cry days! WooHoo! His methods seem to work, for me anyway. I am trying to keep the "ducks in a row" but not too confident that they won't stray. I fear failure most of all. I also fear not holding up my boundaries. I fear my need for male attention. A simple hug would do it! On a regular basis would be even better. I have all of this passion inside me and no one to express it to. Wierd? I am sure it is and I am okay with that as long as I don't explode holding more feelings inside! That would be a site huh? Ü

3-6-05 Time heals old wounds

It is good to hear that a good friend of mine is coming to terms with the past. Everyone has their own time table that they follow. Some of us let it pile up until it takes an exorcist to get it out and over. I have a lot of work to do. Just when you feel like it doesn't bother you, the therapist has ways of making you "feel" and realize that it truly does bother you, you just had it masked over-disguised as okay.
Well, that is really all that I have for today for I fear repeating myself That is therapeutic for me, but like reading the same old book for others.

3-5-05 You are staying very sleepy

What a beautiful day today was. At one point the VW registered the temp to be 72! That is almost shorts weather. Of course if you have ultra white legs (I mean signals for satellites in space), then you may want to hit the spray tan place or get a good self-tanner. It feels so good though to wear flip-flops after a winter of boots.
I am doing well. I have dry eyes for 2 days. Ü I am catching up on homework and thinking actively about all that I have learned in "therapy". This is my last week coming up. I am nervous about going back to work. I did get offered a job by a physician that I used to work for. So, just in case.....
Well, the eyes are closing so that means that like it or not, I have to hit the hay. Getting 8 hours is great and you really don't miss out on much! Tomorrow should be beautiful too so, I will walk at the marina, and finish homework so I can take 2 tests. Wheeeeeee! Fun! Ü

3-2-05 Untitled

Therapy makes you tired and thirsty! Can you get dehydrated by crying? I am really tired of it but it is a necessary element in my recovery. REPETITION! If life came with an instruction manual, we would all be great at it. I am trying now to assemble the manual that goes with "me". Writing the movie as I live it with constant spell-checking and rewrites. I may be in therapy for longer than I thought. That triggers anxiety, worry, anger, heartburn Ü...I refuse to worry about the bill until after I am "done". Being "done" only means that I have finished the beginning and am ready for the middle part of recovery. Practicing coping skills learned and applying new knowledge to dealing with life everyday. I am glad that Depression/Codependency are the only gladiators that I am up against. Add any other addictions and it will go beyond ugly!
I still love it. Therapy that is. I now look forward to it. I have bonded with some of the others and will find it difficult to move on but will have to do it none the less. That is life. It is what it is. I can only change me and that is the hardest thing to change. Admitting that I can't be perfect is another one. Accepting me for who and what I am and the skin I live in lumps, bumps, and all is also terribly difficult. You can't help but think how things were before and try to recapture that time. Well, it is not possible. We don't get a "do-over" for the past. We (I) can only accept it, learn from it, and move on to the next hurdle (or speed bump as Rich says).
I am Jennifer. I have depression and I am powerless against it and my life is out of control. Ü (This is the part where you say "hi Jennifer".) Ü