8-25-07 and some change

I have gone a few days without tears and then out of nowhere on our way to Denny's for dinner and here they are and there is no stopping them. I think that I was thinking of the inner child and how sad it is that she never really felt important. Maybe that is why I do things? It would only make sense that I live through others eyes. I do what I think would make me look important to them because I don't feel important to myself. I sure hope that I can deduct my co-pays on my taxes! I have a feeling that either I am about to have a huge breakthrough or a need for extra sessions. Either way, $15 a week adds up! Guess that I will have to work that in to my budget now.
We went to Tahoe the other day. It was nice to get out of town and be by trees and water and the weather wasn't bad either at 78 degrees! Beats the 96 or so that we are experiencing down here. Of course Brianna doesn't last but a few hours in the sunshine before it is "too hot" and can we go now? Besides she wanted to go to a football game and of course would have to shower and do her hair again, etc.......
Still knitting bibs. Will have to post a photo on the next entry. I have about 12 now and I am sure there will be more. They are easy, I know the pattern by heart, babies are messy, they keep my sanity in effect which is a good thing.
2321 hours and still wide awake. School starts on Monday and Brianna is still up too! How she is going to handle the first week of school and getting up early is going to be fun I can tell! Oh well, you do what you can and that is about it.
Off to exert some creativity though not sure if it will be stamping or knitting...

8-20-07 Feeling better

I feel better today than I have any other day so far. It is really unexplainable I guess. Having nothing really to occupy my mind and time for the past two weeks didn't make it any easier but makes sense that it played out as it did.

Ten reasons why it is great to be Jennifer today:

1. I made a family

2. I am courageous in asking for help when I need it

3. I don't give up easily

4. I have a great kid

5. I am smart

6. I am a good friend

7. I have people who care about me

8. I am resilient

9. I am thoughtful

10. I carried a healthy baby boy for a wonderful family

Usually the first 3 or 4 reasons go up quickly but then I find myself trying to dig for more. Maybe one day, they will just flow out and I won't have to think about them. It will be second nature.

So, I am going to visit my friend Shannon who had a baby this morning. Hopefully I won't cry too much. I also need to get my blood drawn and make an appt with my family practice doctor. Off to shower and find something that might fit my transitioning body...

8-18-07 Baby blues, greens, browns...

26 pounds lost in 13 days! No appetite for once is a strange thing. I think that I definitely have the baby blues if not more. I burst into tears with no warning. Has not been a very happy 13 days. Well, that last statement isn't entirely true. I have had some moments when I have genuinely laughed and I have more happy than sad moments but the sad comes out of nowhere and sort of blindsides me. Thankfully there is waterproof mascara!
So, the maternity clothes still fit but just barely. My "regular" clothes are still a wee bit tight. I am sure that in no time everything will be back to "normal". No rush though I am very impatient to get over these "blues". I would much rather a fuchsia or pixie pink.
I have seen the baby and held him and have no maternal feelings what-so-ever. Even though I carried him, he feels like he is someone else's. He is cute as ever and has chubby cheeks for days and a double chin. He still doesn't cry according to his mom. His dad is hitting the gym to keep up with carrying him around!
The blues should last for 2-3 weeks. I still have 7 1/2 days left to go. Day by day until it becomes automatic...

8-9-07 I made a family!

On August 5 at 2245, a baby boy was born. He was 9 lb and 1 oz, 20 3/4 inches long. Just beautiful and BIG! His parents are over the moon in love with him and everyone is happy.

I went in, got induced and it really wasn't bad. The bad part, laying in a bed facing a clock and just waiting......Water was ruptured and Pitocin started and labor was finally felt. After I got to 6cm which wasn't too long after, I requested the epidural. What a great alternative that is! Loved it until they turned it down for me to push. Pushed like no tomorrow and couldn't stop when the doctor said to. As a result, lots of sutures, 2nd degree lacerations. Then my placenta never came out so they pushed the epidural and my blood pressure crashed and I had to get Ephedra and go to the OR. I had a bad feeling that I was going to die then. I could only close my eyes and cry as they wheeled me to the OR. I really tried to visualize a bright pink bubblegum bubble and all I could see was a white light and a black light. I wasn't ready to die and really trying to think about something else and not succeeding.
Maybe that is why I cry now. It isn't because I am baby-less. He was never mine in the first place. It is a little bit because now I am not pregnant. It is probably a lot more because I really thought that I was going to die and for once in my life, that was not OK and I am scared.
The placenta was manually extracted and I got more sutures (go figure). I went to recovery for a little bit and then up to my room. I stayed for 2 days because I had to have IV antibiotics to prevent infection. Not a bad stay and I had really great nurses and CNAs. I got beautiful flowers from the parents and other goodies too. I watched a lot of cartoons and wrote in my journal, read the first Harry Potter book finally, and slept. Not sure if that was therapeutic or not but......
So, I have 3 more weeks off of work. Day to day is how it will be and hopefully my fear subsides...

8-4-07 day before the big day

So, my due date has come and gone and tomorrow is induction. Yay! Yes being a little facetious there because Pitocin is an evil drug! Trying to maintain calm and cool but catch myself in the "what if?" zone and have to drag my ass back to a better place. I am torn between savoring the moment and wanting it to be over and done with. Maybe there is no happy medium between the two?
Bag is packed. Camera and phone are charged. Have change for the vending machine. Hoping that I won't have to stay more than 24 hours. Already dreading going back to work. Ironic that I am delivering where I work and will be on postpartum where I really work as a patient. Then only 4 weeks off and back to the same place as an employee again.
Off to sleep while I can. Off to the hospital at noon......