2/25/06 Get off your ass and .......

Sparks Marina twice around for a total of about 4 or so miles. It is great. Motivation comes not before an activity but after you have started it. Then Jill and I got some iced tea and talked for several hours. Tears came towards the end when we were talking about people who give us the occaisional "kick in the ass" that we need to get over ourselves. I mentioned the DAG therapy center and nearly lost it. Don't know where it came from or why but it did so I let it a little. I told Jill that it probably just means that I feel comfortable enough around her to be "real". We talked about our depressions and therapies and books that have helped. She said that I seem like a really happy person. I told her that Dr. Tom last year said that I wear a great mask and that had he seen me on the street he would have never guessed that I was hurting inside. In talking I let it out to those that I can trust and to this internet void/sounding board.
I left at 1230 to get changed and get B to dance. Turns out that dance was cancelled so we shopped: Gottschalks for Clinique free gift with purchase, Target for toothpaste etc, then later Walmart for "Shrek", and a "Rent/Center Stage" 2 pack.
My knitted shrug/wrap is nearly complete. 20 inches to go and then stiching the sleeves on each end 18". Hopefully it will still be a wee bit chilly enough for me to wear it this season before summer comes.
Off to knit before bed, usually puts me to sleep so since it is 2324hours, I should start thinking about sleep, preferably 9 hours....

2/23/06 Here we go...

Psych eval yesterday for me and the IPs (Intended Parents). Went fabulously! I really like the MD who saw us. He is great! So, the next step is signing the contracts and our appt next week with Dr. F the fertility specialist. It is a get acquainted type visit. The first cycle of whatever it is begins in April. I will have to give myself shots (UGH) and between the 2nd and 3rd week of April I will get the embryo implanted. I know it doesn't sound very romantic. But the process is really fascinating and amazingly miraculous! I am extremely excited about the whole event!
Not much else new. Watching "Look who's talking" cuz I was feeling inspired. And it is a hilarious movie! I have so much to do today and now that I have reorganized the list, I don't want to do it. I just want to take a nap! I do have this weekend also. I do have to get over to Barnes and Noble to get a gift certificate for Tanya for her birthday....I do have a ton (not literally) of aluminum cans to take to recycle....Cards to stamp....there is always a knitting project to finish.....and the list just keeps going.

2/15/06 Who left the lights on?

"Good morning Phoebe and why do you think that you have to be fed at 0430 fat cat of mine? And who left the lights on in the living room? I thought that I turned those out..." Imagine my surprise when it is not lights but about 4 inches of snow on my patio railing and floor that is so greatly illuminating my living room as if the sun comes up at 0430. Heck, why am I up at 0430? Is anyone in my time zone up this early? Yea, didn't think so.
Coffee is ready. Will not even attempt straight hair today since there is obvious moisture about...Will have to get the snow boots though cuz wet feet first thing in the morning and all day at work will not be fun. I guess that I will have to wear a coat now too....Snow really puts a kink in things.
I had a chat with my brother yesterday. He doesn't think that I should bring up Brianna's grades amongst mixed company (his inlaws). He says it is bad for her self esteem. Whatever. I am the parent number one! Number 2, I have raised her from birth with the knowledge that college and grades are important. She has seen me in the student role and is in that role herself. She has earned good grades so what is the problem this year? Laziness is not an excuse that I will accept!
Also he is confused about the gestational carrier role that I am going to undertake physically in April. He said that everyone at dinner thought that my friend had gotten me in that condition. Where the hell did that come from? Do they not listen to me ever? I even mentioned Jill and Randy's names and the fact that they will be the parents.....Guess no one takes me seriously nor do they "listen" when I am talking. OK, that is how it is going to be????? I can play that game too!
I fail to understand why this and last year, he thinks that he can assume the role of family patriarch. Has the boy gone mad? Or simply watched too many episodes of the Sopranos/Godfather? I mean yea, he is the married one and he has a second baby girl on the way but get real! I am the oldest and have done oh so well without a father, that I am really not impressed that my younger brother all the sudden thinks that he has to take care of the family! Whatever!
Off to the shower, wool socks and snowboots. If I had a digital camera, I would send y'all proof that it exists, snow that is. But I haven't gone that route yet. Maybe this weekend! Max optical zoom and 3-5 mega pixels plus flash and timer and a decent sized viewing screen.....

2/13/06 Weekends are too short

Had a great weekend. Eventful if you will.....
I came to a realization this morning in the shower where I seem to do all of my best thinking...that of all the "quantity sex" also know as k-mart sex.... I have experienced, what I wanted and enjoyed most of all is the cuddling after and sleeping in someone's arms, and feeling comforted and safe. Yes the foreplay is great and the act itself is okay I guess but the best parts thus far are the afterglow and the cuddling. How did I come to crave this. Why would I need the comfort and the "safety"? I may never know.
I am toying with the idea of taking a motorcycle course this spring/summer. I have always wanted to learn to ride and if I can't have a guy with a Street bike then I could have my own. Just have to learn how to ride and then get skinny enough to fit into some cute black and pink leathers. Pinky Tuscadero, look out! Of course I could end up a blonde trauma, just from driving in the parking lot!
Who do I know with a bike that I can't possibly hurt?????And do they make helmets to fit this mane? Stay tuned to find out.

2/9/06 Funk Implosion

I guess that would be the term to use for "Bring it on but I am going to ignore it!"?
Learning to really love the early mornings. It is so quiet in the house with just the sound of the coffee machine brewing and the tapping of the keyboard as I update blogs and send out emails to friends and family. I even got to see the sun come up on Sunday when "sleeping in" meant 0600 in Cat time....
Today i get up even earlier than Phoebe (the cat) and she is still blinking her eyes as she nears the kitchen where my coffee is just about done. Funny how sometimes she is wide awake and spazzing out at 0430 and other times, I have to wake her up. Who will ever fully understand cats. That is the cool part about them. They are mysterious....

2/7/06 I just don't understand

Now I am in a funk. Everything is going along smoothly and it is like I fall off a cliff or something. I just watched a hilarious movie and laughed till I nearly cried. But I feel this funk settling over me now. Rolling in like fog, dragging me down bit by bit. It is strange feeling this way. Viewing it all from the outside. Feeling helpless to it all and powerless to change it.
Popcorn for dinner and due to icecream guilt, I am having broccoli and cauliflower with a spritz of fake butter, before I dig into Ben and Jerry's. I don't feel like dieting though I did pretty well today. I don't feel like exercising....what is the point. Well I know the obvious point but why do I have to feel better about myself before someone else gives me a damn compliment?????
WHATEVER!

2/4/06 Double Agent Barbie

I really feel like I am being split in many ways. I have to be mom-Barbie, and Hospital worker-Barbie, I am taking on Gestational Carrier Barbie, and soon, Nursing School Barbie. I still feel the urge to be "go out dancing" Barbie and No Responsibility Barbie! Can I be all of them at the same time? It doesn't feel like it right now. Sure would be better though if one hat worked for all the different Barbies!
Lots of headaches. Really tired all the time. Working all the time. Not much time for self. I tried to watch a movie with B 2 nights ago and knitted about 2 rows and lasted about 1/4 of the movie before falling asleep at 700pm! I feel tired now too but will see how I can manage. Popcorn with the movie tonight so will see what kind of strange dreams I have later tonight.

2/3/06 Workaholic Barbie

Barbie is back! She is the workaholic but realized that she is too tired and really doesn't want to do all the overtime that she volunteered for. Good thing that the sign up list was still on the bulletin board! She erased about 4 days! It just makes her hate her job even more to be there 5 days a week. The ER is not a place one wants to go for job or otherwise. Not a very "happy" place! So, will have less fabulous paydays and just hope for the best! Everything usually works out in the end and less worry is good!
"Gestational Carrier Barbie" is so way excited about her new adventure! Everything is moving along just great. April will be here before she knows it and then self-injections of estrogen and progesterone and embryo implantation! Too bad more people aren't so excited about being pregnant! I can't wait!
0512 and on the computer again. A bad habit that Barbie has developed but there are worse ones and we just won't go there. Too bad that she can't get the habit of exercising and loving it! Too bad that she is so freaking tired all the time now (she has cut back on antidepressant dose and is still doing mentally well by the way).
Barbie is applying to nursing school finally. Next week or so, she should have her tax return and will take a small $65 and send in the application. Wish her luck, for that is needed. Otherwise, it means repeating all science courses again because of a stupid 5 year limit and having to pay for them out of pocket! The up side of that is potentially better grades!
10 reasons it is great to be Barbie-Jenn:
1. Upcoming pregnancy
2. Have you seen how long my hair is now?
3. Knitting projects like you wouldn't believe
4. Still intelligent as all get out
5. Still strong
6. No crying in a while
7. New friends
8. New outlook on future (and it is good).
9. Overtime = nice paycheck for a change
10. Award winning blogster and hottie (even though bigger than a real Barbie/Victoria's Secret model.......) Ü

2/1/06 Darn Popcorn!

Ate popcorn before bed last night. Of course I had dreams! I dreamt of my friend Rich who I haven't heard from in forever and his blog not updated since NOVEMBER!!! Strange because it came out of the blue....
I have met both parents now who I will carry an embryo for. They are so incredibly sweet! This is going to be such a great experience, I know!
Well, so much to do and it is 0455 already! Mane to wash, get ready for work (day 3 of 5 and hours 23-35)
Not much inspiration lately for topics. Will maybe eat more popcorn before bed tonight and see if that doesn't help...