Saturday, January 21, 2006

1/21/06

Yesterday I worked 17 hours. I couldn't help but have a bad attitude from the get go even though I was the one who scheduled myself that way. What are you going to do? I worked like a dog for the first 12 in the ER main. We had patients everywhere. No beds upstairs to put them in. And since we are a Trauma Center, the fun just kept coming....Around 10am I got a 20 minute break and then we were running the whole rest of the day. I ate my lunch fast and standing. The last 5 hours were cake. I had to find stuff to do because I was in ER West and that is the way less acute stuff: UTI, coughing, simple laceration repair.....etc. One of the doctors bought pizza and it was so worth the 17 hours that I put in. I love pizza and don't indulge as much as I would like to due to finances and "points". It was great and though I feel a smidgen guilty, it is not bugging me or getting me down.
Sleep-8 hours about. My brain turned on before I really woke up. Thinking of the past, my "Army" memories. Let them go and then shut them off. I think that some of the past came up because I was pregnant in the Army and will hopefully get to be again soon. I meet the mom of the intended parents tomorrow. I hope that this time I am really going to be a gestational carrier! It sounds good And I love being pregnant! So, will keep the blog posted on what goes on. Will never reveal the "real" names or anything but that is almost trivial information anyway....
Off to "work" for a few hours at Telxar. Maybe I will have more to blog soon.....

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

1/18/06 What do you want to be when you grow up?


I wanted to be a Charlie's Angel or a Solid Gold Dancer. And yet after 4 college degrees, I am still not too close to either. So, what else am I good at? What do I like to do? Hmmmmm.
I like to talk
I like animals and some people
I like to cook
I like to make things with my hands
I love math!
I like to knit/stamp/bead jewelry
I like to read
I like to feel valuable/helpful/strong/smart/funny
Is all of that anywhere near a Charlie's Angel? I can see a few traits. And why would anyone not want to be an Angel? They had the cool clothes, great hair, kicked ass and still got the guy they wanted. I don't know about me being great at the kicking ass part right now but I suppose that over time I could be proficient at it...
Well at least I can have great hair like Farrah (Jill) did! Getting up at 0430 has a few perks: quiet, computer is free, coffee is good, and time enough to get my hair looking cute as hell!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

1/17/06


Waiting in line for the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland. Waiting in line gives you lots of time to think or to knit! Yes I took the knitting and finished a scarf while waiting in line for various rides. Or did I mention that already? I may have but here you go again!
Not much profound running through my 7 3/4 brain this morning. Trying to think of what will motivate me short term so that I can reach my goal. Not too much coming to mind right now.
Found some money in an account that I could potentially use to pay off at least one of my credit cards. Not sure how to get that money but will check into it today.
Off and dragging my feet. Need to drop kiddo off at school, then pick up and take to orthodontist, then overtime at hospital, then home and 12 hour shift tomorrow. The lists really could go on forever.
It has been a long time for this but I will give it a shot...
Why it is good to be "Barbie Jennifer" today:
1. I am pretty
2. I am smart
3. I have friends who really care about me
4. I have a talented kid
5. I can knit
6. I am compassionate
7. I am crafty (which could go as the next 3 entries too)
8. I am friendly
9. I am dependable
10. I have computer access
Well, I did it and didn't have to think too much on it until about 7. Off and walking briskly now....

Sunday, January 15, 2006

1/15/06 You have been replaced...

You know what sucks? Being replaced by someone else in a person's life. You know what is even worse? When the person you were dumped for is uglier than you! It the same creepy way that it made me feel good (even in jeans that were a smidge too tight and an unruly hair day), it also made me feel a little sad because it wasn't me who "turned the light on" for that person. Maybe they are not the happy family that they seem to be? Whatever, I am better off for not having him in my life anymore. He wasn't even that good at "it". Maybe what I feel is sorry for her that he is less than endowed.....

OK, the claws are retracted now. I am upset with Brianna for starting all 3 movies without me. Who paid for the damn things?????
Whatever, I can go to bed early and even read before that! There are many other things that I can do to stay mentally busy. I just have to pick one.

Friday, January 13, 2006

1/13/06 Friday is over

I actually had a great day. I joined a walking group that kicked my ass today. We took stairs and walked at a great pace. It was awesome. I know I am going to sleep good tonight. I stayed within my points too. How great is that?

I need to get some reading in tonight cuz I have books on reserve that are ready and still have others not finished yet. So much to read and so little time. So much to knit, so little time! I need to get some of that in too.

The moon is beautiful! It will be totally full tomorrow. My favorite kind! The sky is clear now with few clouds and the moon is high and bright. This morning it was out and almost like it was watching over me as I drove to work. Though I would love to work some spells tonight and tomorrow, I am just so tired, I don't think it is physically possible!

1/13/06 Friday the 13th!!! 0502hrs

Get up at roughly 0430, stumble to bathroom then off to make coffee. Mug of water in micro 3.5 minutes (old microwave), instant coffee, 3 Splenda, few splashes of canned milk still good in the fridge, uniforms out of dryer, clothes into dryer and another load into washer (desperate need for white socks!), sitting at computer as if lost......waiting for something to pop into my mind and give direction.....

No contact from Prince Charming in over 24 hours...hmmmm that hasn't happened since October before we got back in contact. Did we run out of things to say? There is always something to say. I refuse to think the almost automatic "Was it something I said or did?"...not going to do it. That is negative thinking and this is the year of healing my inner child.

I actually had a good conversation with my brother about a bit of the past. He doesn't get the depression stuff. Why did it matter so much to me what other people thought? Why didn't I learn to say "Fuck it!" and not let so much bother me? I wish that I had learned that. I wish that every negative drove me to do positive stuff and prove them wrong. I think that it did to some extent but not as much as would have been productive....I have been depressed since about age 7. I told him about the 14 year old ask to go to Psychiatrist and mom's reaction. I told him about the 16 year old who told same that she was finished feeling hurt and wanted to DIE! That opened her eyes a little. I can't explain well enough how it feels to hurt so bad that you say "enough" and that is when the thoughts of suicide come in. It is so very sad to lose hope. Even now, it is very sad to see the young suicide attempts come through the ER (superficial wrist lacs and words excluded....I mean the shooting, hanging, overdose ones who nearly succeed but only change their lives drastically by inflicting brain death, loss of limb, vegetative state). They lose hope so young. What must have happened in their lives that they too lost hope so young? I can't help but wonder because I am still trying to figure out what happened to me. Here comes the word vomit again....BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THE LOVE THAT I WANTED FROM MY FATHER....I call it word vomit because it starts to sound repetitive and lame to my ears. I have said it so much. How can something like that have such an impact on ones life? Why can't I get over it and let it go. I mean it is never going to happen and yet it influenced my whole self throughout my life thus far. How could something seemingly so small, make me feel like my time was up at 14.

This will be a year of intense "healing the inner child(Barbie)" at least acknowledging the past and letting it go. I dread going through it again but would like some room in my brain for the new memories that I will create. I am also going to learn to "want what you have", well want what I already have actually.

Recovery Barbie has to get ready for work so I am off for now....until next time....

Thursday, January 12, 2006

1/12/06 There are good times ahead....

I would like to begin that this year has started out pretty okay. Brianna's grades are coming up. Choir festival tryouts are tomorrow and she is trying out for a "Simba" solo. Lion King if you didn't know already. She is very talented and as all parents, I wish that she would show a little more dedication towards academics. She is a quadruple threat already (sings, dances, drama, very beautiful!) all that an brains too would be a great addition. I know she is smart, really smart, just doesn't apply herself. As with all kids her age.

I heard from Karen at "Family Options". She has another couple that I could possibly be a "gestational carrier" for. I really don't think that I can explain how awesome this is to me! I don't need the added responsibility of another child of my own but why not help someone else make their "family"? I loved being pregnant, was good at it, not to mention cute too! I felt good and ate well and exercised. It was an awesome experience to make a little person. I really do look forward to this one actually going through. The other one we sort of went into blind and though we liked each other, I couldn't see the negative and they couldn't quite grasp the positive. Oh well. I am still young enough to do it and I would love the opportunity. Besides it is a sort of closure for me since I felt so alienated from my family and friends when I was carrying Brianna. I was in Texas and my support people were in Vacaville, CA and Sparks, NV. I will get to be pregnant with my co-workers, friends, and sister in law. It will be great. I hope it works out this time.
Tired beyond belief. Hungry, but more tired and thirsty. More on my life chronicles at a later date.

Monday, January 09, 2006

1//9/06 Van Halen Rocks!!!

Of course I already knew that but am starting over with their oldest to newest. A good friend of mine "burned" them onto CD for me....I will start with David Lee Roth and end with Sammy Hagar and the third guy, well we know what happened there...
Nothing like starting out the day with some coffee, and Van Halen. Really like "Ain't talking 'bout love" at least I think that is the title. Of course also enjoy "you really got me", and other popular hits.
The puzzle of the day is what do I get to eat. I am having a little difficulty with Breakfast because Oatmeal lasts only so long and I know that I will get tired of it before long. Dry cereal and milk last even less. And eggs are too many points. I try to shoot for 4 point breakfast and a 2-3 point snack around 10-11. Lunch, hmmm....salad is about 0 points until you add some cheese and some dressing but still usually not over 4 points. It is a pretty big salad. Then I am going to have left over Jambalaya that "B" made the other night. 1 1/2 c of that is about 9 points. So I will get to play a little with some points cuz I have to have a minimum of 22 points. Weight Watchers is was better on my checkbook than Atkin's was. But I am not sure that the weight will come off as fast. I am losing motivation again and "couching" my time more often. Like it isn't bad enough that I sit at work for 12 hours too!
Coffee number 2 is ready. I have about an hour before I really have to get going. So will knit or read. Have books due at the library soon so need to catch up.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

1-8-06 Happy New Year.

Today I feel funny. I can turn my head just right and nearly get a migraine. I haven't felt light headed from not eating for months but feel sort of "faint" this morning. A peanutbutter and Plum Jelly sandwich is 10 points but well worth it since it is after 11 am and since it is brunch, I can justify the indulgence.
Weight watchers again and having a great time with it. It is like a word problem and of course math is involved. You plan what you can eat. Sort of solving a mystery to what makes up 22-27 points today. Fun! I have yet to feel great from exercising though. That is the tough one. I need to do it everyday but often fall short because of fatigue or general laziness. I would like to get up first thing and do it but that has yet to happen! Would make sense though cuz then it is done for the day.....
The New Year is good so far. Biology foiled a slumber party weekend. I forgot that I didn't have to work and came back a day early and actually worked! Well, I need the overtime. This month until mid February is the land of overtime. I am working 5 days a week at Washoe. On Fridays I have signed up for 18 hours total. Just think of the overtime and how nice it will feel to pay off some creditors and make arrangements with others. Not to mention getting a much needed new pair of glasses/contacts and replacing the Beetle's skid plate for yet a 3rd time!
Off to do what I have to do: exercise, movies with Brianna cuz her room is now "clean", budget paperwork, laundry, etc.
Cheers!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

1/3/06 Barbie Jennifer's Wild Ride

Get your minds out of the gutter! It wasn't that kind of ride. It was 10 hours of hell bumper to bumper up Hwy 50 over Spooner Summit beginning at 12 and ending at 10pm in Vacaville! UGH!!
There was a rockslide on 80W that blocked East and West bound lanes. That is the prime way to travel over the Sierra Nevadas! So, we detour through Carson City and up Hwy 50 (the long/scenic way). About half way up the hill, we pulled over to put chains on the beetle. Brianna and I did a great job. She is a super helper! The chains lasted about 5 minutes down the road. There really wasn't enough snow on the ground and NO ICE to speak of so we took them off again. It took roughly 6 hours just to get from before South Lake Tahoe through to Tahoe City! Bumper to bumper. Nothing more than 5 miles an hour! UGH! We were tired and had to pee really bad! We stopped at the Big K where the Hwy goes 50 West Placerville or 89 North Truckee. We decided after 5 hours on the "hill" that we were going to stick it out and drive over the hill and get there hopefully by 930pm. There really wasn't any major snow to contend with just people with chains on their cars in conditions that were not "chain necessary". Drama everywhere we go!
So, we get to Vacaville finally and get to pee again. So then I am on the way to my friend-type Prince Charming's house. I am going to go the "Back way" through the farm district to his house which is supposed to be shorter than hitting the freeway and going that route. So, Barbie doesn't write down the instructions but tries it from memory. Yea that worked! NOT!!! I called Heather cussing like a sailor about not knowing where I was going and someone not answering the phone and it wasn't too pretty. She got me turned in the right direction and on my way again after much surfing the Beetle through the flooded roads of rural Dixon! I got Charming on the phone and he navigated me through the rest and I arrived safely. In a very crabby mood and I was more mad at myself than anything but took it out on people that I care a lot about! I am so very sorry guys!
Heather and I got to go to Berkeley and our fave body and bath shop. We hit Barnes and Noble and Jamba Juice and on the way had Starbucks. Black tea chai latte is my new fave there! So, we were on our way back and got Brianna cuz her plans fell through for shopping with her friend. We did the mall thing. Oh to be a teen again with a cute butt and nothing but fun stuff to buy with Christmas money! After all of that we took Brianna back to Auntie's and I went to Heather's to say hey to the family. As we drove up, the power went out again! It was out majority of the night before too! Then Heather took me back to Charming's house and the evening went from there.
I was mad before we even went to get groceries. H said something about how it would be a major screw up to do PDA in a "friends with benefits" situation according to someone else that she talked to. Maybe I shouldn't have been worried about it. But of course I did! I had tried to hold hands on a previous trip to Walmart in public totally violating the no PDA rule. I had gotten a quizzical look before but no words and I analyzed that to shreds. Of course it was unnecessary because we got home and I was starting dinner and I explained it in different terms and it turns out to be a case by case exception thing. It is difficult for me not to show what I feel in some situations... I am especially vulnerable to the PDA stuff. Maybe I am not so brave in the "arena" but....there you have it. It is turning out to be far more difficult but just as I expected it would be. Less tears on departure this time but it was not "tear free". I am working on it but now have so many "projects" that I am working on that I have trouble working on all of them. They all need to be done and I feel that all are high priority!
My aunt doesn't feel that I should file bankruptcy. I fear that it is all I can do. End it all creditwise. I can't see past the sea of confusion in my head. I am hurting now. I feel like I have let myself and everyone else down. I feel selfish and yet at the same time, I feel like I am also doing everything for everyone else. Doesn't make sense. Does anyone have a plan that I could follow. Any ideas out there? I will take any help that I can get. I just don't feel that I am capable right now this minute of doing it on my own!
I can't help but think about how things were...I was thinner, I had excellent credit, I was a more happy, I had less worries.....I know it is past history but all that keeps coming back like a slap in the face.
Well, off to stop crying again, feeling sorry for myself and other general bad coping mechanisms...I need to find the "life DIY" book that Davey mentioned a while back and see if I can't track it down in the states. It is on my "must read" list!
Popcorn for dinner again, what's not to like?