1/13/06 Friday the 13th!!! 0502hrs
Get up at roughly 0430, stumble to bathroom then off to make coffee. Mug of water in micro 3.5 minutes (old microwave), instant coffee, 3 Splenda, few splashes of canned milk still good in the fridge, uniforms out of dryer, clothes into dryer and another load into washer (desperate need for white socks!), sitting at computer as if lost......waiting for something to pop into my mind and give direction.....
No contact from Prince Charming in over 24 hours...hmmmm that hasn't happened since October before we got back in contact. Did we run out of things to say? There is always something to say. I refuse to think the almost automatic "Was it something I said or did?"...not going to do it. That is negative thinking and this is the year of healing my inner child.
I actually had a good conversation with my brother about a bit of the past. He doesn't get the depression stuff. Why did it matter so much to me what other people thought? Why didn't I learn to say "Fuck it!" and not let so much bother me? I wish that I had learned that. I wish that every negative drove me to do positive stuff and prove them wrong. I think that it did to some extent but not as much as would have been productive....I have been depressed since about age 7. I told him about the 14 year old ask to go to Psychiatrist and mom's reaction. I told him about the 16 year old who told same that she was finished feeling hurt and wanted to DIE! That opened her eyes a little. I can't explain well enough how it feels to hurt so bad that you say "enough" and that is when the thoughts of suicide come in. It is so very sad to lose hope. Even now, it is very sad to see the young suicide attempts come through the ER (superficial wrist lacs and words excluded....I mean the shooting, hanging, overdose ones who nearly succeed but only change their lives drastically by inflicting brain death, loss of limb, vegetative state). They lose hope so young. What must have happened in their lives that they too lost hope so young? I can't help but wonder because I am still trying to figure out what happened to me. Here comes the word vomit again....BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THE LOVE THAT I WANTED FROM MY FATHER....I call it word vomit because it starts to sound repetitive and lame to my ears. I have said it so much. How can something like that have such an impact on ones life? Why can't I get over it and let it go. I mean it is never going to happen and yet it influenced my whole self throughout my life thus far. How could something seemingly so small, make me feel like my time was up at 14.
This will be a year of intense "healing the inner child(Barbie)" at least acknowledging the past and letting it go. I dread going through it again but would like some room in my brain for the new memories that I will create. I am also going to learn to "want what you have", well want what I already have actually.
Recovery Barbie has to get ready for work so I am off for now....until next time....
No contact from Prince Charming in over 24 hours...hmmmm that hasn't happened since October before we got back in contact. Did we run out of things to say? There is always something to say. I refuse to think the almost automatic "Was it something I said or did?"...not going to do it. That is negative thinking and this is the year of healing my inner child.
I actually had a good conversation with my brother about a bit of the past. He doesn't get the depression stuff. Why did it matter so much to me what other people thought? Why didn't I learn to say "Fuck it!" and not let so much bother me? I wish that I had learned that. I wish that every negative drove me to do positive stuff and prove them wrong. I think that it did to some extent but not as much as would have been productive....I have been depressed since about age 7. I told him about the 14 year old ask to go to Psychiatrist and mom's reaction. I told him about the 16 year old who told same that she was finished feeling hurt and wanted to DIE! That opened her eyes a little. I can't explain well enough how it feels to hurt so bad that you say "enough" and that is when the thoughts of suicide come in. It is so very sad to lose hope. Even now, it is very sad to see the young suicide attempts come through the ER (superficial wrist lacs and words excluded....I mean the shooting, hanging, overdose ones who nearly succeed but only change their lives drastically by inflicting brain death, loss of limb, vegetative state). They lose hope so young. What must have happened in their lives that they too lost hope so young? I can't help but wonder because I am still trying to figure out what happened to me. Here comes the word vomit again....BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET THE LOVE THAT I WANTED FROM MY FATHER....I call it word vomit because it starts to sound repetitive and lame to my ears. I have said it so much. How can something like that have such an impact on ones life? Why can't I get over it and let it go. I mean it is never going to happen and yet it influenced my whole self throughout my life thus far. How could something seemingly so small, make me feel like my time was up at 14.
This will be a year of intense "healing the inner child(Barbie)" at least acknowledging the past and letting it go. I dread going through it again but would like some room in my brain for the new memories that I will create. I am also going to learn to "want what you have", well want what I already have actually.
Recovery Barbie has to get ready for work so I am off for now....until next time....
posted by Jennifer at 5:03 AM
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