2-28-05 If a depressed person cries alone in the woods, does anyone hear?

Therapy.....Gotta love it! I really do! Guess that means that I really am sick. Ü Still crying about the same stuff as always. Today was a 2 kleenex day. I am starting to think that the reason for repeating everything over and over is like the dead letters that we write but don't send. The more you do them, the more you heal. Eventually. I hope sooner than later!
My issues seem to be consistent:
1. Father who didn't love/want me, and said so in words.
2. Not feeling worthy of love/affection from others.
3. Codependency (wanting to please everyone)
4. Everything up to now are caused by # 1-3.

So, what to do to kick start this process? I really wish that I had more time to devote to the whole thing. I don't get that luxury. I have 3 college courses, Brianna's volleyball tryouts, going back to work, worrying about failing to control my emotions or improve enough to keep my job...doesn't worry make your hair gray? Well at least I have some color options. Ü

It is time to copy all this into the paper journal that I am keeping. It is just so much easier to blog it and send it out into the internet void where someone might read it and gain insight or at least learn from it. Ü N'est ce pas?

2-23-05 If we run out of trees, what will we use for Kleenex?

Therapy is going great. Have learned that I am co-dependent. Not a good thing and difficult to have a support group for because vicious cycle of codependency!
Therapy makes one very tired!!! I am not even there for 8 hours and I am completely zapped of energy when I get home. Learning tons though. Would like to do more one on one though and not so much group. It is enlightening to hear from others who may have similar problems or different ones.
Off to catch a few more zzzzzz's and "journal" (one of my "homework" assignments).

2-21-05 Therapy: you want fries with that?

Wow! What a couple of days it has been! The good news is that I like therapy a lot. I have learned so much already.
1. That my not letting stuff go is because I never learned how. Not that I am Irish and it is "our" nature. Ü
2. That I have never truly felt that I could be cared for by someone else.

My next question, since I have a clue to the "Why?" is "what can I do to fix it?" Depression is not something that I would wish on anyone. For those of you who haven't actually experienced it, you will never understand us who have. Not everyone has the courage to fix themselves or to ask for help. It took nearly losing my job before I asked. I am not even sure that insurance will cover the next 3 weeks but that is something that is "important but not urgent". So, I will worry about it later when I actually get a bill.
I had a best friend ask me today why I would be there so long (9am-3pm)all week for 3 weeks. I got teary and had to tell him that I couldn't say right now. I think that he felt bad cuz he was telling me about his problem. The real reason then and now is that I feel ashamed to be in a "partial hospitalization" program. My mom even thinks that I am in a 3 week "class". When I hear it or see it, I am reminded that I am a few steps short of a full time mental institution that is nothing like the movie "Girl Interrupted"!
For now, I am learning. I am not afraid to "share" in group therapy. I am not sharing what others discuss in group. (None of y'all's business anyway!) The important part of all of this is that I am getting much needed help. I wonder if we can address the loneliness too Ü. I can't explain it, but sometimes I just need affection from the opposite sex (even a simple hug would suffice right now!).
Until next time,
Jennifer

2-15-05 Mood Rings: How effective are they?

So, I just realized that I start too many things with the word "so". Do over please?
Today is a very new day.
Therapy starts today. Yahoo! I can only hope that it helps quickly. Maybe I will even have to go several times this week?!!!?!! It couldn't hurt. Ü There will be things said there that will never show up in a journal nor memoir of mine. It would hurt too many other than myself and that would be counter productive. Alas I will keep it in the utmost confidentiality. My question today will by "Why?". I hope that I don't get the kind of counselor that expects me to talk for hours about everything. Nothing could be more evil. I need answers from an objective source and if they came from me, it would be highly subjective....Again, the smart blonde triumphs. Ü
My to do list for life is quite extensive. I just don't have a clue as to how they can be achieved. That is a major problem. Tunnel vision exists with and without contacts. Picture a blonde Clydesdale horse with blinders. Ü Okay now that you are laughing, you may be more receptive to my evil plan to rule the world! Whoops, too much Austin Powers. Though wouldn't one of those fembot bras be out of this world? Sorry, male readers aren't included in previous question. Oh, right, the to do list for life, has many entries but not any instructions.
Procrastination is over now. Though I could type all day if allowed, the Human Development paper isn't writing itself. Darn it! Ü

2-13-05

So, all is well on the western front. Finally figured out how come I couldn't type anything to post new info. Smart Blondes always figure something out. Running with scissors in spice girl shoes helps too. Ü

Except this:
I used to think that I was a "nice" person. Evidently this is not the case anymore. Not sure exactly when I became so incredibly angry and hateful towards the world at large, but I am. Bad habit to be negative and even worse to criticize others even if it does make one feel ever so slightly more adequate. This blonde is far from perfect or natural! Ü And yet over and over again, the mean one comes out and it is at a point in my life that I may lose my job because of it.
A wise friend brought up the art of being patronizing (or was it empathy?). How do I learn how to do that fast???? I have basically 4 days off to get this down before I am back at work. Then another 4 off to further practice this art that sounds so much better than being bitter. Or is it greed and not the bitter? HELP!!!! Anyone????

What kind of therapy is it that I need (shock, acupuncture, anger management, aversion, hypnosis)? Asking is the first step right? I am not opposed to any sort of help, as long as it is the quick acting kind. And not another medication! Pills really aren't helping. Maybe I need a sedative?

5 days until Valentine's Day!

So,
this is a new one. Jenn is going to put her thoughts out to the world....like I ever practice restraint anyways!

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising up everytime we fail"~Ralph Waldo Emerson.

That pretty much sums me up. Keep getting up even when you should stay down. Ü

Any comments or helpful hints are always greatly appreciated I'm not opposed to learning new stuff or ways to do it.