29-Jan-11 Pissed off on a regular basis!

For 2 days I have had the boo hoos. Terrible in that I can't quite control them. Also because I shouldn't be having them at all since I am prego and that is wonderful in itself.
Payday was yesterday and I am broke already. Even with the baby money, no relief. The car had yet another head gasket repair and won't pass smog still. $550 out of $1600+ has been given to them and luckily they are letting me make payments. I spend more time at the mechanics that anywhere else. If I had the money to dump the car and get another I probably would but it would also cost more to get another than to fix the one I have. Then there is the inevitable bad credit that ebbs and looms depending on the month. The IRS is also on the list, as the ungrateful assholes that I carried for the first time submitted my "compensation" as earnings and now the IRS wants their portion. Isn't there a law on human traffic-ing? Wouldn't them claiming they paid me $5000 for the 2 failed pregnancies come under that type of law?
And then there is my work. I hate coming here because we mainly serve those who have no business having babies. Plus 95% or more are medicaid meaning that I (and other taxpayers) are footing the bill for the ignorant. Not to mention those who can't even speak English! I am refusing to translate now. This is fucking America and the least you can do is make an effort to speak the language that the Constitution was written in: ENGLISH!
There needs to be a serious rewrite of that document. We are no longer a nation that needs populating. Therefore, if you aren't a citizen here, your spawn sure as hell shouldn't be either. And if you want to be a citizen so bad, PROVE IT! 1. Learn the damn language. 2. Join the military. 3. Refuse Welfare!!!! Because no one should get a free ride at the taxpayers expense. And furthermore, why the hell should a baby or child receive disability? Are they of working age? Did the parents not have the option of discontinuing care/having an abortion? Then they should foot the bill and quit taking away from the Social Security that I have paid into since the age of 16 and that I will not get the privilege of receiving!

1-4-11 I think...

I am so terribly lonely! I was watching a movie and the man (fully clothed) slips into bed with the woman and pulls her close, spooning. Of course I cried. I remain doubtful that I will ever find someone to share the minutae of the rest of my life with.

18-Jul-10

Feeling again. On the way out to a birthday party, I felt it. That feeling that I need to get away. The brown mountains are depressing and I hate them. Being surrounded by mountains on all sides, I hate that too. The family functions, hate them! As much as I want to go away and be alone, I also want B to be okay on her own, able to take care of herself. I don't think that she is there yet.
I am tired of everything and afraid that nothing will ever be exciting to me again. What if I am never happy again? Was I ever happy before? Is there anything that will work? At what point do I find out what will make me happy?

7-11-10 Vietnam

It is terrible the things that men went through who were POWs! I just read "Glory Denied: The Saga of Jim Thompson, America's Longest Held Prisoner of War" by Tom Philpott. Wow what a book! It begins with Jim at Present and then goes to the beginning. His childhood, his early military career, his captivity, his eventual release and then his life back in the states was described in fabulous detail. The psychological aspect of it is what drew me to the book originally. What they endured, witnessed, survived would make your skin crawl. The author did a great job in laying down Col. Thompson's early years. When he joined the military, I was intrigued as a veteran myself how much the Army training has changed. As he attended OCS and was in charge of other soldiers, I grew angry. He was in no way fit to command other men especially in a war, especially when he had absolutely no combat experience. I was very surprised that there wasn't an incident before his capture involving men from his team. In the section about is capture and torture, I felt sorry for the atrocities that he was subjected to. I cried when he finally got to come home. But just before he got on the plane, I started to hate him again. He was a terrible soldier, terrible leader, terrible father and husband. Though for a few of these he didn't exactly have a stellar role model to show him how to be a loving husband and father. I felt that the Army should have done more to honor him as a veteran and perhaps to prevent him from the decline. There has to be something that the military could have done to let people know within a reasonable amount of time that their loved ones were missing or captured. They knew about things that would happen to Jim upon his return. The things that were processes that he would be going through that were a normal progression for a survivor, that the military should have had an eye out for. I hated his wife Alyce throughout the entire book. She should not have given up on him so soon after his capture. It wasn't even a full year before she was out and about. If she were a stronger person her life would have turned out differently. She had no right to have the military not publish his name and acknowledge that he is the longest held POW! That would have helped the children and her if she just admitted that he was captured and that she was AFRAID. Though if the military would have stopped promoting a soldier who was in no way, shape, or form capable of performing as an officer, that would have changed half of the story too. He didn't deserve the stroke, the alcoholism, the failed marriages. I guess that his story was one in which much was learned for the "next time" we went to war.
I have a few more books to read on this war and then I am on to the Bataan Death March. I don't know why exactly the subjects are appealling to me now but they are so I am reading and learning about these times of conflict and turmoil.

5-3-10 What Day is it?

Is it still Monday? I feel a little lost I guess. I am staying up all night again on my "days" off. Last night I had every intention of hitting the hay at 230am but forgot the bread dough on the counter had defrosted and I was going to make pepperoni rolls. So, I stayed up to do that and ended up staying awake until about 0930....slept till 6pm and here I am. Nothing accomplished. Nope, I did make dinner and burnt the garlic bread but the rest was good! :)

I need a new blog so that I have a "dark" one that I can really get ugly on and a lighter one that would be okay to let people know I have.

We got higher speed internet on Saturday and it is amazing. I can watch you-tube videos! B showed me one and she has 200 vids on her site! I am going to subscribe to her here too as she is also a blogger. Amazing is what she is!
Lots to do tomorrow. Surprised to find myself still "tired" and feeling like I just really forgot something major. UGH! Have to go look at the calendar again!

4-14-10 and again and again....

I feel yet another episode coming and am powerless to prevent or to stop it. Reading John Katz right now and it is bringing up questions. Would I rather have been a mom or part of a couple? That one came up yesterday. And I told a friend that maybe I wasn't meant to be both. She suggested that I may be down and I said no, just reading a lot of heavy stuff. This is partially true as John writes about himself and his dogs and he is at the age of midlife crisis and maybe even really having one.
Yet again, I am my own worst critic and have asked of someone questions that perhaps are left unanswered. But they are out there and I really do hope to use them as constructive criticism and to satisfy my sick curiousity.
Looking to move in about a year. I will know where when I visit it. I will know when once the surrogacy begins and ends. Right now, finding a job that will sustain me and living closer to a beach is the main focus. Oh, and finding a beach community that may need my skills. Reference letter requests have gone out to two people whom I regard as intelligent and who may regard me as a person worthy of federal employment, well, any employment really that uses my intellect, education, compassion, and efficiency just to name a few of my "good" traits off the top of my head.
I am sort of resigned at this point to treating my depression for the rest of my life and that maybe I won't see a "cure" in this lifetime. Maybe just getting through one day at a time is all that can be done.

4-6-10

Mostly junk for emails. Made amends with someone. Finished a baby sweater to be hand delivered in Vacaville next weekend 18, 19. Working on the mate to a baby slipper to go with it. I have a huge knot of tendonitis now in my hand/wrist, though I think that I mentioned it yesterday. Finally got to Macy's for moisturizer then had to pick up someone's prescription at Walmart way on the other end of town. Yes thank you! I wasn't going to Walmart but by all means, I will drop what I am doing and get your stuff for you! I really can't wait to leave this place, to never come back!
Sometimes I think that I need people in my life: to talk to, to do things with. But then do I talk to many now? No. Do I go out and do things with other people? No. So, really what do I need people for? I can chat with anyone on FB under no obligations. I suppose that I could learn to pretend (or embellish) with the best of them. I could become conceited and that would be the end of my need for validation from others. I would be my everything to me. Suppose it could work out in my favor in a way.