6-21-06 What to do...what to do?

Today it was brought to my attention (again) that I am the cause of my stress and lack of funds, and little pay. Here is the context:
D: Good Morning How are you? (think sugary sweet and so fake!)
Me: Well I am here (neither excited nor snippy)
D: With Bells On? (more fake sincerity)
Me: No, just here.
D: Why not? (How many times does this person have to ask, knowing my answer)
Me: Well, what is this the 15th day straight? (really non sarcastic just honest)
D: You brought this on yourself.
Me: Well, if I were paid more.....

So, about 5-10 minutes pass and D comes over and says "I really don't appreciate you talking snotty to me in front of all the other employees! You know what you have to do right?". My reply: "Yea, quit!".

So, onto the math problem. If you work your regular hours as a full time employee, that equals three 12 hour shifts so, 36 hours per week. So, take out tax and insurance for one dependent (the next to cheapest insurance mind you) and what I net is $1216 per month. Seeing as my rent is pretty average for the area = $850 and then add just the basics: Phone $37, Power $75, Car insurance $74, and $200 groceries per month for 2 people (which I find is really not much compared to what others I work with spend on food) Oh, and $50 per month for my prescription medication, = $1290. Are you following me? I would bring home $1216 but the bare BASICS are $1290. Hmmmmm. And what about gas for the car because I really can't walk to work 10 or so miles, and clothes or an occaisional dinner out or movie rental or whatever the rest of the world is doing? Yea.
I took this information that I "bring on myself" to the new director of our unit. Her first reaction is "you can't live off of that". Me, "of course not", so how is it that I work all this overtime (111 total hours on my check this Friday = 31 hours overtime)and kill myself for the job and have a whopping 4 days off this month and my last one was June 11 and my next one is June 30 and my smallest check will be Aug 18th with 96 hours? Yea, I bring it on myself to SURVIVE! Don't flatter yourselves thinking that I do it for the extra money or just because I have nothing better to do, or that I like working 60 hours a week and not spending time with my kid! I do it because I have to. I do it because I like TV and since I have no money to go out, I have BASIC cable. And I have a car payment until November because I had to have an economical car and had to get a 6 year loan. And I have a cell phone so that in case of emergency, my daughter and I can communicate that we need a ride or will be late or someone else will have to pick her up because I am working again. And I have a student loan that I can't afford to pay but will have to pay back. And oh yea, I have to put gas in my car which happens to get 42 miles to the gallon, but gas still costs about $70 per month. So, how did that math problem go again? And why am I still working at the hospital?
Why am I not in nursing school? Refer to above math problem and find out how to pay tuition... And why is our hospital so short nurses not to mention other clinical positions? Hmmmm maybe I am not the only one trying to live off of $1216 a month?
Yea.
Yea.
And tomorrow is another day, at work, #11 of the series of 18 in a row.
Yea. Why is it that I don't take my sick time or vacation time? Oh yea, gas in the car and cable tv. Man I am living the dream huh?

6-19-06 Monday Night

One cup of coffee with canned milk and 2 sticks of sugarless gum. How many calories is that? Is it enough to fuel an 181 lb carcass for 18 or so hours? It is almost like I am punishing myself for hating my job so much. Why do I resent everything so much? Why do things that I simply cannot change, make me so angry?
What else am I good at? I know, I have asked that one before and I guess that no one really knows me because I have yet to receive an answer! Who is the chick behind the masks? Sadly I don't even know.
I took a step today. I got the number of a lady who does career counseling. I realize that I am afraid to get out there and make a change. Fear of the unknown and fear of failure. BIG TIME! So, will check out the career counseling thing and try to get to know myself. Hopefully I won't lose my job in that time due to anger and resentment. Why can't I get paid what I think that I am worth? What else can I do since I am obviously not opposed to a 60+ hour work week? What else can I do that uses pride in doing a good job and dedication and attention to detail? Not to mention 4 college degrees (well, if they used 3 of the 4 that would be great!)....
Stress is bad. I am not sure how to eliminate it. I don't know how to abandon the resentment. I know consciously that I will never get the pay that I want or the recognition at this job. What else is there?
Enough drama for now......

6-16-06 Reading and re-reading...

checking out the past blogs and some past emails. Trying to stay motivated and reconfirm the "Master Plan" that was set sometime past. I think that it is written down somewhere. Will have to go read some hard copy stuff.
Coffee-done.
Shower-needed.
Breakfast-maybe.
Nothing as simple as a "check". Taking a while longer to get going this morning. Telephone call at 0230, teenager barfing in Grass Valley. Sort of nice that she called me but not really commonsensical since it is 2 hours away and Gramma and Auntie were right there in the same house with the barfy one. Oh well. Difficult to fall back asleep for 3 hours after that. Got up after much hitting of the "snooze" button.
Off to try to get something done. Should be more like summer today and not totally sure that is a good thing (93 degrees!)...

6-10-06 News....

I got a new couple to carry for! Yay! They are so sweet and nice and have triplet neices and nephew already and this is going to be so awesome. The transfer should take place August/September. Yay! So, the shots will occur again and a bit of weight gain too but for such a great cause! The whole process is so amazing! I just can't believe it! We didn't even need time to think about whether we wanted this match or not. We decided right there to full speed ahead and get everything rolling along.
Stay tuned for the drama of pregnancy : ) or rather the drama leading up to it....

6-3-06 Have you ever....

been left with $3 until payday a week away. How many dinners can be made using rice, tomato sauce, chicken, and broccoli? That is about all that is in the fridge/freezer. Fun and challenging right?
So, no go with this couple as a gestational carrier. My insurance has a "surrogacy" exclusion so that is a glich. But there are still opportunities. Patience right? Easier said than done.
What kind of job would I be better at than the one that I have now? I have been turned down for 3 hospital transfers that I applied for. I need to do something that doesn't cost money to get out of my job rut. What else am I good at? What else will pay a bit more than I make now? What else has 10-12 hour shifts cuz I don't think that I could do the 9-5 gig? Anything? Any ideas? I am pretty much not going to get a better job at the hospital without certification which will take school, which takes money, which I don't make enough of to provide for the basics much less school too. Hmmmmmm....need to write some ideas down for that one.
Gotta get the kiddo to dance class for recital photos. Any ideas, let me know.