6-14-05 The rest of your life begins yesterday
I have been thinking on my weekly drives to Fernley. I have been thinking about who I am and what made me who I am today. I am angry still about my depression and why it is so difficult for me to do what I want to do: be happy, get a career, be happy.
Does this sound correct? That I have searched for love all of my life. The one person that should have given it freely and unconditionally, made sure that I knew from a young age that I was not loved. Due to my lack of love, I lost self esteem. Always, there was that question or rather statement that "If I were different, maybe he would love me. I must have done something to make him dislike me." What is it in a person that makes them that much more determined to get what they want? I must have that. I look back at so much wasted time trying to be what I thought people wanted. I did so many things wrong in my neverending pursuit for love. It is too easy to feel that you are less than great. Why isn't it as easy to build up as to tear someone down?
What happened to me as a small child, has impacted my whole life. It totally makes sense. I want to be thinner because then someone will love me (all the thin girls have boyfriends/lovers/husbands). I want to be earning a higher income so that someone will realize how smart I am and love me. I want a prince charming to come and rescue me because it is taking too long for me to rescue myself! Sometimes just the tiniest spark of hope will make the difference in life. You don't always have a running tally or your list is often not enough. Co-dependent for life? Maybe.
Frequently it is said that you always want what you don't have. Isn't it my right though to feel loved? Wouldn't it be a basic human right?
I keep endeavoring into this area of my psyche and am afraid to dwell there. I will dip one foot into it and then run for the hills. It hurts and I know it will but am afraid of going to the dark places that depression takes me. Maybe I have been so down for so long that I am afraid to be what "better" is.
One step forward and two back--a traditional type of dance.
Does this sound correct? That I have searched for love all of my life. The one person that should have given it freely and unconditionally, made sure that I knew from a young age that I was not loved. Due to my lack of love, I lost self esteem. Always, there was that question or rather statement that "If I were different, maybe he would love me. I must have done something to make him dislike me." What is it in a person that makes them that much more determined to get what they want? I must have that. I look back at so much wasted time trying to be what I thought people wanted. I did so many things wrong in my neverending pursuit for love. It is too easy to feel that you are less than great. Why isn't it as easy to build up as to tear someone down?
What happened to me as a small child, has impacted my whole life. It totally makes sense. I want to be thinner because then someone will love me (all the thin girls have boyfriends/lovers/husbands). I want to be earning a higher income so that someone will realize how smart I am and love me. I want a prince charming to come and rescue me because it is taking too long for me to rescue myself! Sometimes just the tiniest spark of hope will make the difference in life. You don't always have a running tally or your list is often not enough. Co-dependent for life? Maybe.
Frequently it is said that you always want what you don't have. Isn't it my right though to feel loved? Wouldn't it be a basic human right?
I keep endeavoring into this area of my psyche and am afraid to dwell there. I will dip one foot into it and then run for the hills. It hurts and I know it will but am afraid of going to the dark places that depression takes me. Maybe I have been so down for so long that I am afraid to be what "better" is.
One step forward and two back--a traditional type of dance.
posted by Jennifer at 10:22 PM
1 Comments:
Feel for you, I would like to just recomend a book to read it's called LifeDIY by Pete Cohen.
I know reading it has helped me.
ISBN 0-00-717280
But not just reading it putting into practice the things in the book helped me change the way I think and see not only myself but the world around me. Can't promis that it will change how you feel about things but it's worth a read.
Post a Comment
<< Home