6-27-05 These shoes are made for walking

Wow! I just walked the 2 mile Marina. I feel great! In order to do the same before 5am, I will need to get a dog. Maybe a German Shephard! They are good family dogs but intimidating cuz they are also known as Police dogs.Ü It would be a great companion that I wouldn't have to carry half the way cuz it had little legs and was tired. Ü Though pocket dogs have their positive aspects too.

Walking is great. You just have to get the shoes on and get out the door. "Just Do It!" I love Nike! Need to walk on my lunch time too but torn between a little un winding and quiet or walking. We all know the right answer to that one and it involves walking shoes! Ü I will have to make a resolution with myself. It might make the 5 day work week (54+ hours) plus 10 hours of school and homework not to mention the mom stuff that I have to do and get ready for school and college in the fall and still get to the water park and get a shade tan..... Who says summer vacation is really a vacation. One day, though I know you shouldn't put things off for "one day", it will happen and I really can't do it now.

Until later!

6-21-05 Early in the Morning

You know you are getting older when you no longer need an alarm clock to wake up at the proper time. Sleeping in, what is that? Ü Besides, Phoebe will get me up by 530 anyways. She is such a pig for a cat. Ü
I would like to pay homage to those who invented coffee, market coffee, and make it so darn popular! What would we do without coffee? Of course it is a legal drug sillies! Why else would you have withdrawals (headaches, irritability) when you try to stop drinking it? Ü As if anyone would want to do that! It is like a friend because it is always there, comforting, energizing, and it seems no time is inappropriate for coffe consumption ( a friend is there for you at all hours day or night Ü)
So, all work and little play......makes you a little postal (not lifeskills postal) but is also good for those of us who spend too much money cuz we are too busy to think about it or do it. You don't want anything but sleep and more coffee (or diet dew Ü) And if you have Peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches for lunch everyday, it is okay.
So, I am just rambling on and on about nothing in particular. That is how great things are going right now. (Have you seen the "D" word yet? Ü I know!!!)
Signing off for now.
Me

6-15-05 "I get by with a little help from my friends"

Yesterday, I was a little down. Just a baby bit. And someone Ü commented on my entry with a suggestion of a book. "LifeDIY" doesn't seem to exist at my local library yet so I am off on adventure to the world of Barnes and Noble. I love that place! I have spent up to 3 1/2 hours at a time in there looking at books, magazines, music, travel guides...drinking coffee (Thanks to Starbucks or "Buckies" as I affectionately call itÜ ).
Today is a great day except that my "13 year old roommate" Ü has gone over the hill to Auntie $$war-buck's$$ house for two weeks. What am I going to do? Work of course! Ü Well I do have some plans for cleaning house and rearranging the furniture so that the treadmill is functional again. I really need it for peace of mind and if you can't drag your butt outside to walk, then you might as well do it in front of MTV where no one can see your fat jiggle. Plus you can turn the fan so that it hits only you! Ü
I have finished knitting a shawl and am recuperating for a little bit before I finish the Elephant, and the sweater and the ever so slow going pair of socks which is really just the first sock and only about 1 1/2 inches down from the top of that! Ü It is definitely a work in progress. I am also working on 15 cards to stamp and send in for the June trade. I just had an idea pop in about 3 hours ago and am just getting opportunity to get it done.
So, I am off and stamping.....
Until next time

6-14-05 The rest of your life begins yesterday

I have been thinking on my weekly drives to Fernley. I have been thinking about who I am and what made me who I am today. I am angry still about my depression and why it is so difficult for me to do what I want to do: be happy, get a career, be happy.

Does this sound correct? That I have searched for love all of my life. The one person that should have given it freely and unconditionally, made sure that I knew from a young age that I was not loved. Due to my lack of love, I lost self esteem. Always, there was that question or rather statement that "If I were different, maybe he would love me. I must have done something to make him dislike me." What is it in a person that makes them that much more determined to get what they want? I must have that. I look back at so much wasted time trying to be what I thought people wanted. I did so many things wrong in my neverending pursuit for love. It is too easy to feel that you are less than great. Why isn't it as easy to build up as to tear someone down?
What happened to me as a small child, has impacted my whole life. It totally makes sense. I want to be thinner because then someone will love me (all the thin girls have boyfriends/lovers/husbands). I want to be earning a higher income so that someone will realize how smart I am and love me. I want a prince charming to come and rescue me because it is taking too long for me to rescue myself! Sometimes just the tiniest spark of hope will make the difference in life. You don't always have a running tally or your list is often not enough. Co-dependent for life? Maybe.
Frequently it is said that you always want what you don't have. Isn't it my right though to feel loved? Wouldn't it be a basic human right?
I keep endeavoring into this area of my psyche and am afraid to dwell there. I will dip one foot into it and then run for the hills. It hurts and I know it will but am afraid of going to the dark places that depression takes me. Maybe I have been so down for so long that I am afraid to be what "better" is.
One step forward and two back--a traditional type of dance.