4-14-10 and again and again....

I feel yet another episode coming and am powerless to prevent or to stop it. Reading John Katz right now and it is bringing up questions. Would I rather have been a mom or part of a couple? That one came up yesterday. And I told a friend that maybe I wasn't meant to be both. She suggested that I may be down and I said no, just reading a lot of heavy stuff. This is partially true as John writes about himself and his dogs and he is at the age of midlife crisis and maybe even really having one.
Yet again, I am my own worst critic and have asked of someone questions that perhaps are left unanswered. But they are out there and I really do hope to use them as constructive criticism and to satisfy my sick curiousity.
Looking to move in about a year. I will know where when I visit it. I will know when once the surrogacy begins and ends. Right now, finding a job that will sustain me and living closer to a beach is the main focus. Oh, and finding a beach community that may need my skills. Reference letter requests have gone out to two people whom I regard as intelligent and who may regard me as a person worthy of federal employment, well, any employment really that uses my intellect, education, compassion, and efficiency just to name a few of my "good" traits off the top of my head.
I am sort of resigned at this point to treating my depression for the rest of my life and that maybe I won't see a "cure" in this lifetime. Maybe just getting through one day at a time is all that can be done.

4-6-10

Mostly junk for emails. Made amends with someone. Finished a baby sweater to be hand delivered in Vacaville next weekend 18, 19. Working on the mate to a baby slipper to go with it. I have a huge knot of tendonitis now in my hand/wrist, though I think that I mentioned it yesterday. Finally got to Macy's for moisturizer then had to pick up someone's prescription at Walmart way on the other end of town. Yes thank you! I wasn't going to Walmart but by all means, I will drop what I am doing and get your stuff for you! I really can't wait to leave this place, to never come back!
Sometimes I think that I need people in my life: to talk to, to do things with. But then do I talk to many now? No. Do I go out and do things with other people? No. So, really what do I need people for? I can chat with anyone on FB under no obligations. I suppose that I could learn to pretend (or embellish) with the best of them. I could become conceited and that would be the end of my need for validation from others. I would be my everything to me. Suppose it could work out in my favor in a way.

4-5-10 Restless

Did I mention that I got onto the Eharmony website? Free communication sounded good so I had to work fast. I met two men who actually wanted to talk. However, most matches were 50+ years old. Ewwwww I am only 40! And the one that I corresponded with from Oregon, "spoke" in a manner that he was a player, self centered, and more about a persons lack of size than their mind and personality.
The second man, I still have hope for but also have given up hope for. He is from Susanville, relatively close to here. On the plus side, he never had kids, works nights, and writes emails with substance, actually answering questions and asking them and "talking", rather than 2 or 3 lines that don't really say anything at all. But he has internet issues or so he says. Well, I have written 8 messages to his 2 and the last was the last stating both sides and several possibilities and an ultimatum of sorts that if he wants to write, I will return, but if not, that is the last of my efforts. I know, I know, I should have more patience and let him chase me. I can't describe though that for many years I feel like I am running out of time and therefore have to "hurry" to complete all that I want to accomplish. I would love to see it as half full. It seems though that I am really and totally incapable. I have a clock ticking in me and it isn't the reproduction kind. The same place as the clock is the fear that I am running out of time and won't be able to do it all.
Oh, the pressure I put on myself! Now, I have hopefully a surrogacy in the fall (Sept/Oct), and want to go back to school, the IRS wants money again and I can't pay my student loans until Sept/Oct, I feel the need to get away from my family which only intensifies daily, I will have to have a second job but worry about my life should I spend every moment working and sleeping (and more importantly my mental health which seems shaky at best right now). I have raging tendonitis in my right wrist both carpal tunnel and on the pinky side. My hands fall asleep when I sleep and sometimes when I am awake. I am sure that surgery is the only way and there will be no money for anything until Sept/Oct and that is only IF the embryo takes! What if it doesn't? Then I am stuck in a rut that takes money to get out of and I haven't the money! It is always the same thing for me. Everything is about my lack of money. How can I get more coming in without giving up all sleep and free time?