11-7-05 In love with the idea of being in Love
Funny how that works. I seem to think that more often that not in my life, I have been enamored with the idea of loving someone so completely and them loving me back with the same magnitude. Was I ever really in love with the person or just the idea? Great questions for further "digging".
I grew up with a father who made it known that he didn't want me and "if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have had either one of you". I heard this as early as 4 years old. No wonder I grew up with such a messed up idea of what reality was!
Stepdad number one was a real piece of work. He would lock my brother and I outside during the day and there was no limit to what you could be spanked with or when (Crater Lake story for later blogging).
Stepdad number 2, alcholic womanizer. Cheated on mom, beat mom and brother, I was relatively unharmed except I had one more view of how a dysfunctional relationship went.
Between stepdad 1 and 2 I got the "Your fat and ugly and will never amount to anything". Strong work guys!
Luckily I got out of family and moved away before Stepdad number 3 occurred. Paranoid and Psychotic.
Maternal Grandfather, alcoholic as well, real mean SOB, made a bet with me Senior year of High School that I would flunk out, get knocked up by a Mexican and live off Welfare. The bet was on paper in the amount of $100! My mom paid his debt around 1998 and I never saw him again even when he died finally!
You see a pattern. Not a whole lot of good male role models in my life! Stories from books became my life. I had to be dragged away from the library. I could spend a whole day at Barnes and Noble even today! Romance stories are the best ones because the guy always comes back and a happy ending is inevitable.
Reality, what is that? It has been so long and my reality blurs together so well with all the other realms that I really don't know what it is. I really don't know anymore what I would be "good at" or what my interests are. If I did, they probably wouldn't be very practical or anything that I could earn income from. I read romance books for the happy endings and that makes it difficult for "real" people to live up to them as the heroes become a little more real in my mind than they should be.
This Barbie needs to get going or be late to work.....saving more drama for next time
5 days till the "Ball"! Need to find a few more replacement mice and polish the glass slippers!
You can't really make LOVE happen. It is either there or not. That is not the way in romance books per se. LOVE always happens no matter what.
I grew up with a father who made it known that he didn't want me and "if I had to do it over again, I wouldn't have had either one of you". I heard this as early as 4 years old. No wonder I grew up with such a messed up idea of what reality was!
Stepdad number one was a real piece of work. He would lock my brother and I outside during the day and there was no limit to what you could be spanked with or when (Crater Lake story for later blogging).
Stepdad number 2, alcholic womanizer. Cheated on mom, beat mom and brother, I was relatively unharmed except I had one more view of how a dysfunctional relationship went.
Between stepdad 1 and 2 I got the "Your fat and ugly and will never amount to anything". Strong work guys!
Luckily I got out of family and moved away before Stepdad number 3 occurred. Paranoid and Psychotic.
Maternal Grandfather, alcoholic as well, real mean SOB, made a bet with me Senior year of High School that I would flunk out, get knocked up by a Mexican and live off Welfare. The bet was on paper in the amount of $100! My mom paid his debt around 1998 and I never saw him again even when he died finally!
You see a pattern. Not a whole lot of good male role models in my life! Stories from books became my life. I had to be dragged away from the library. I could spend a whole day at Barnes and Noble even today! Romance stories are the best ones because the guy always comes back and a happy ending is inevitable.
Reality, what is that? It has been so long and my reality blurs together so well with all the other realms that I really don't know what it is. I really don't know anymore what I would be "good at" or what my interests are. If I did, they probably wouldn't be very practical or anything that I could earn income from. I read romance books for the happy endings and that makes it difficult for "real" people to live up to them as the heroes become a little more real in my mind than they should be.
This Barbie needs to get going or be late to work.....saving more drama for next time
5 days till the "Ball"! Need to find a few more replacement mice and polish the glass slippers!
You can't really make LOVE happen. It is either there or not. That is not the way in romance books per se. LOVE always happens no matter what.
posted by Jennifer at 5:23 AM
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