I was thinking......

7-31-05
I was thinking on a reflection that I read today in one of the many Melody Beattie books that I read off and on. It says....."Today I will let go of those wants and needs that are causing me frustration. I will enter them on my goal list then struggle to let go. I will trust a higher power to bring me the desires of my heart in their time and in their way". The whole passage was about knowing what you want and then giving up the struggle for it, being grateful for what you have now. So, I am trying that...example....I am poor but it is temporary because the car will be paid off in a year and that is not a long time then I will money for other things. Rather than where is the money going to come from to pay rent, bills, etc if I don't work 3 days of overtime (and go crazy trying to keep up)? Ü See the difference...

I try to not want another person in my life but that is a wish/dream that I have had since I was small, for someone to love me. So, giving up that one is going to take a bit longer than many of the others. Somewhere I gave up on myself and became co-depedent "that I would be a better/ more whole person if someone loved me/showed me love". Sad but true. I catch myself now though and it is very difficult at that point to pick out my "5 things that are great about me" Ü at that moment in the midst of all the negativity. I am not always successful right then but I persist and try to get it in the paper journal before I go to sleep.
It is great to be Jennifer (me) right now because....
1. I am learning to care again.
2. I have great potential.
3. I have choices.
4. I have great hair that is very versatile.
5. I am a great letter writer/penpal (persistent blogger)Ü.
6. I have beautiful feet.
7. I still pass for 27.
8. I am a good cook.
9. I can be responsible.
10. I am creative and not afraid to express myself (well most of the time).
Going back to the cooking and the sleeping part, I had better do one or both quick. I have no parental responsibilities tonight and will take advantage of that to catch a few extra zzzzzzzzz's!

7-28-05 PS.

I nearly forgot to say:

Davey, what a fabulous photographer you are! I just can't say it enough. Was Ceroc at Swing dance class? Looks like fun. Great shot of the fly on the fuschia. I feel like I am in England sometimes. Or maybe I am wishing that I am? Ü I will look for your books in the bookstore soon! oddwasted.blogspot.com

Rich, where are you? I miss hearing about your adventures and thoughts and travels. Did you ever try the "Dolby" cafe? Have you heard any Thomas Dolby yet? watchmeturn.blogspot.com

Kris, girl I wish that I was there. But I also wish that you were here. You were a high point to working on Mondays. So was Rich, so was Patrick. And now we have a lot of substandard RN's with humorless bad attitudes. The travellers are the only high points and eventually they leave too. Please come back! I miss you.

Patrick, did you pack up your computer or what. Where are you? What cool things have you seen on your way to Florida? Did you detour to see the "world's largest ball of twine"? Miss you. The new security dudes are really lame and not fun like you! Good luck at helicopter school.

7-28-05 Smart Blondes

The treadmill is in the room now and ready to go except that I need a new adapter for the outlet cuz it is a 3-pronged plug. Ta-da! I got one today. No more excuses I guess. I will have to get on the treadmill now. Ü
I also fixed my car. Well, at least I found the problem and had someone else muscle it back together. Ü I got to school last Thursday and the engine chugged and sputtered and stalled. I had plenty of battery and was a little low on oil but it was 1020 pm and dark and somehow I got home and parked. It was weird getting a ride to work and home for a few days. I like the independence of having my own car and using it. So, I looked under the hood a few days later and was putting oil in when I noticed two parts that should be together and at this point weren't. Turns out that the engine intake separated from where it was supposed to be. Now it works and the check engine light even went out. The rest of the maintenance (oil and other misc filters) will be changed tomorrow. It is good that I didn't crack the engine block or something major like that. Ü
I spoke to one of my co-workers having a bad time with her 2 teens and feeling like she is right but no one else will see it her way and the spouse saying that they are teens and that is just how it is and everyone basically saying that she is the crazy one......today her son disobeyed his restriction on the computer and was IM-ing his friends. She said no computer and he says that he was just talking to friends and she said restriction is restriction and he says she is crazy. Wow if that was my mom when I was growing up, not only would I have a sore fanny but also a hand print across my face...so, my co-worker went in and took the cables from the computer and put them in her purse this morning. The teen was rather mad when he went to use the computer around noon. So, the gist of the whole thing is that she said "just once I would like my husband to put his arms around me and say that everything is okay." In my past experience, it seems that the correct answer is that you need to convince yourself that you are okay and then others will follow suit.
I find myself wishing that someone would help fix me. But then I remember Lifeskills and I am the only one who can fix me. Once that happens then others will be attracted to me. But ultimately I need to accept me for me. Though I get so lonely for human contact that isn't related to me. Ü It just seems so far away before I will be healed enough to meet a real prince and not just someone who dresses like one. Ü
TTFN!!!

7-18-05 Guess What?????

So, go on, guess!
I moved the treadmill into my bedroom! Yea! It feels like a milestone has been reached. I also emptied 4 boxes! Wow! I am on a roll. Getting that done makes me feel great! Now if I can just get the motivation to do all the rest of the house. "B" is back from the lake and her bathroom is relatively clean. She just has to mop the floor. Then we have only 3 more rooms plus hers to contend with. My room means just uncluttering and I feel like moving the furniture has done much towards starting that goal.
Salad season is upon us! It is great though! You can do anything with salad. It is like a casserole for the summer months. You can change what meats you put in it. You can add just about any vegetable and the dressing choices are endless. You can pair it with a sandwich or some fresh fruit. You can add bread or muffins to the side. You can add grilled meat, fried meat, lunchmeat, salami (my fave). You can make the salad on lettuce or tortilla chips or even make tuna salad or chicken salad and serve in halved bell peppers. Sometimes we just have watermelon for dinner and oddly, it satisfies the belly well. Ü

7-15-05 Fly! Be free!

Patrick's last day was today. Now he is off to helicopter school in Florida. He will need at least 3000 hours to fly Careflight here. What it must cost to fill up that tank of gas! Ü He is a "flippin sweet" guy. I envy that he can just get up and go like that. Of course when I did that, it sort of backfired. Ü
We went to the Silver Peak Brewery for his going away drinking thing. I had a blended margarita (strawberry) and it was good but I was beginning to wonder if I should be driving home or not. Yes I only had one and had quite the buzz going! I didn't feel like staying out though or we would have gone to Bubinga. I am tired. I have school tomorrow and babysitting tomorrow night. Then a 5 day stretch at Washoe beginning Sunday. EEEEEEK! Jenn is going crazy fast. Is the money worth the stress? Usually not. But it is nice to see that a paycheck can cover rent and gas money and maybe a little groceries and not have to choose what I pay this time and what gets paid next time.
I am fading fast. I haven't stayed up this late since forever. Guess that I am starting to show my real age. Ü
Until next time.......

7-5-05 Why didn't I do that the first time around? Ü

I started my CNA class tonight. Don't know how I will manage the next 6 weeks of overtime, 2nd job, school and clinicals, and strive for one day off a week. But I will survive. I always do. Ü
I miss my friend Rich very much. I know that he is having the time of his life up North in the "Great Outdoors"! But it would be nice to get a word or two every 8 weeks or so. Ü But he is a guy after all so I know how y'all are more reserved than chicks and less likely to write and call when there are sports to do or fish to catch.
I like the class so far. I look forward to clinicals. I can't wait to work at WMC as a CNA and then get the RN career/schooling going as soon as possible. I really feel as if I am making the right choices this time. Maybe it took me 10 years to get going again on my original path but here I am with my walking shoes on ready to go.
More meaningful stuff....I am catching myself rethinking what I say and how I act/react. It is like I am seeing me from the outside. This is a good thing because I can make corrections and not make the same "mistake" the next time. For so long I felt out of control. I felt like I always had to have something to say, a response to everything. "Butting in" to others conversations was okay because I had no control. Now I do. I am trying to learn to observe silently. And though I have to bite my tongue quite a bit, I am trying. It is a challenging task after a lifetime of being subjective to change to the "objective" approach. But I like it.
Well, I can still get 5.5 hours of sleep if I hit the rack now so I had better get going.